003. and in every raindrop... // open post.

[icarusalsoflew]

Take a prompt, take some time, drop in as you like. If you're from Eudio, though, mosey on down here.

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[icarusalsoflew]

Or I could have been able to do something.

[Even as he's saying that, though, he knows that it was pointless to think on it. As things were, it might just make this entire ordeal hurt even more if he kept dwelling on it, and at the moment? He couldn't handle any more pain.]

I hope he wakes up soon.

[Saying like that, perhaps, means that he will end up waking up. Right?]

[larue]

He will.

[ He's no authority on healing. But it feels disrespectful to Tohru to think that the mage won't come out of this. ]

And it'll be interesting to see what he thinks of Wiseman Tagabigay taking on his spot.

[icarusalsoflew]

[That's making him smile a little, because he can already hear what Tohru is probably going to say in his head.]

He'll probably tease Elias mercilessly about it for an hour. Give or take.

[larue]

[ And it's good to see you smile. To hear you say that, because it means that maybe, he's helping. Maybe he's getting you to ease the guilt from your shoulders. Even a little.

It's a good enough opening, he supposes. ]

So. China, huh?

[icarusalsoflew]

Mm. Just... needed to get away. Like I said.

[But he also needed to be close at hand, if only for his own peace of mind.

Terrible business, this waiting.]

[larue]

[ There's that twitch on his brow. You probably know it well, given that you know his tells.

It hurt him. You, going. ]

That far, huh?

[icarusalsoflew]

[His response doesn't come quickly, because yes, he's reading into the look on your face.]

Pretty much everything here reminds me of what's going on down here.

[Saying that softly, and then reaching out to hold your cheek with one hand.]

I'm sorry about that. I should have told you, at least.

[larue]

[ He's worrying at his bottom lip at that, but he does look up with just his eyes. ]

It's okay. [ Not... really. But he can deal. He doesn't want you taking him on as a burden on top of everything else. ] I get it.

It just... it hurt. Made me feel like you couldn't trust me to have your back.

[icarusalsoflew]

I do trust you.

[Maybe a bit too much for his own good.]

And it's not "okay", is it?

[Yes. He can tell.]

[larue]

[ Caught him there.

Giving you an apologetic look now, before he's quietly shaking his head. ]

Sorry.

[icarusalsoflew]

It's okay.

[He doesn't even have to know what Josh is apologizing for yet.]

What are you thinking about?

[larue]

[ Now it's his turn to have a rueful smile. ]

I dunno... I guess...

I guess I just don't get why you keep on running away from me.

[ Looking up at that and looking younger than his age. Just a kid trying to figure out what he keeps doing wrong where it concerns the person he loves.

Ducking his head again, though, and adding quietly: ] I'm sorry for trying to pick a fight. After you walked past me the other night... I called Alistair.

He said you'd need to get angry. But that you wouldn't. Not with all that guilt.

[icarusalsoflew]

[The mention of Alistair's name makes this one get that look on his face, that odd mix of tenderness, ruefulness, and just a little bit of regret.

That, however, is an issue for another time. You're with him, and he's yours. Apparently, though, he has to remind you of that.

Drawing in close, to press his forehead against yours.]

To be honest, I was glad that you stayed so close. I'm just not at my best lately. [Stroking your cheek, still keeping your gaze.] And it's hard for me to open up about these things. You know I can't afford to lose it. Not while things are like this.

[larue]

I know.

[ He doesn't mean to drop his gaze, to draw back, but he feels like he needs to in order to center himself again.

So this is Josh turning away and reaching for those cigarettes again. He needs a smoke. ]

[icarusalsoflew]

[That leaves him to watch you for more than a heartbeat before his own gaze is dropping down to the floor, and to where his hands now hover above that, twisting about.]

I'm surprised you're not angry at me.

[That's a soft and honest admission on his part, right there.]

[larue]

[ That stalls him from lighting up as he turns a Look your way, the cigarette balanced between his lips.

He catches that between his fingers, so that he can speak. ]

Why would I be angry?

[ Hurt? That you'd left, that you hadn't spoken to him before you'd run to tell him at least where you would be going to get some breathing room -- yes. Helpless? That he could do nothing to ease your heartache even if he tried? Of course.

But angry? Why in the world-- ]

Your father is in a coma. A woman you care deeply about and love is in a wheelchair. A number of Zangyaku operatives -- good, capable people who you, as a leader, are responsible for -- are dead because of Grendal's sick idea of a nuke.

You needed space and time to calibrate -- I get that. I can even understand why you'd need it to be as far away as China, because well... this is kind of, um, you.

[ Explain, please, Blade King. This one's a bit confused.

Softly, again: ] But why... would you think that I would be angry at you?

[icarusalsoflew]

[Well, that's throwing him a little left of center. He's always been one to believe that regardless of one's situation, a person had to make the decision for himself to keep it together and not burden anyone else. In light of that, his personal assessment of his own behavior had been less than favorable. So.

The smile he's giving you now is small (as is his custom tonight) and a little helpless.]

I can't really explain it. Habitual, I guess?

[larue]

[ And Josh is sending a look your way, no smile, a somber look in his eyes. ]

That's twice now.

[ He lights up; and he smiles this time, though the look in his eyes stays the same. ]

Gotta break that habit.

[icarusalsoflew]

I'm working on it.

[And it seems as though you're helping a whole lot in that direction. That seems to be what the look on his face is telling you, at that moment.]

Just... try to be patient with me. It's going to take a while.

[larue]

[ And he's tilting his head to one side, before he's reaching over to catch your hand. ]

Okay.

[ Threading your fingers through his now. ]

[icarusalsoflew]

[He gives your hand a tight squeeze in return, and admittedly? It's a little harder than it should be. He's still too grateful, too happy to have you with him. He's also not feeling all that stable, or that good about anything, most especially himself.

There's that twist to his lips again, one that you might be becoming increasingly familiar with. The one that tells you that there's something he wants, and he's holding back on it all over again because he's worried, maybe even scared, of what will happen if he expresses it out loud. Couple that with the way he can't look in your direction and how the expression on his face is an uncomfortable mix of apologetic and shy, and... well. Maybe you could guess at what all of that means.

The rain's the only sound in the area. Mitsuru was around earlier, but it seemed as though someone has taken charge of the kitten tonight.]

[larue]

[ And because of that, this is Josh slipping his hand out of yours for a moment, just so that he can go and kill his cigarette.

It's not that he means to take his time, he just needs to calibrate, to let the look on your face actually sink in, because you just have that kind of affect on him.

He's equally shy, you know. He knows literally nothing other than following your lead ( that first night, the weight of you against him, the taste of you on his lips ) and hoping that he's making you feel as good as you do him.

He's coming back now, closing the distance between you both and wrapping his arms around you as he presses his nose against your shoulder.

You will also hear, the distinct sound of the latch of your door locking into place.

He's liking how his powers can be so useful. ]

Ask.

[icarusalsoflew]

[He heard that, all right, and if you put that together with the way you've put close to no distance between you (which means, of course, that he can feel the precise way that your body fills the air against his own, and can catch, once more, the way you smell)...

Does he feel all sorts of helpless and out of order? Yes. That might be why the way he reaches out for you - how he slides his arms around your neck, and lets his fingers over the nape of your neck and through your hair - is careful and hesitant.

You know how bad he is at asking for what he really wants.]

I...

[Trailing off, because his need for you is choking him up. This is a little terrifying.]

[larue]

[ And he's skimming one hand up your back, the other drawing you close as he turns his face into your neck.

Again. Because 'breaking bad habits', right? He wants you to feel like you can ask things of him, to know that he is never one to get angry for the wonderful, giving things you just do. ]

Ask.

[ His lips brush by your ear now, and you'll feel the way he's tense along the shoulders. Waiting. ]

[icarusalsoflew]

[You'll feel the way he shivers after you do that. It's getting a bit too warm in here - funny, given the weather.]

Stay with me tonight? Please?

[That's a breathless and helpless plea against your lips, after he's withdrawn to just look at you with far too many emotions in his eyes. Even after this conversation, a part of him is still scared that you're going to say no. That you're not going to want this.]