icarusalsoflew | 003. and in every raindrop... // open post.

[ Josh narrows his eyes at that. It's a strange thing to say, makes him wonder about the way Hikaru's sudden mention of a lack of choice, a lack of other options. ]

If it's fine by you sir, I'll ask anyway.

[ He leans back into his seat at that, eyes still fixed on the Blade King. ] Do you think he deserved to die?

[ He stresses the 'you', looks straight at the other man as if to say: not Death, but the man, Hikaru Shinta. ]

[He could deflect this, perhaps. Throw the scent, send the kid down a different trail. It would make things easier in the long run.

Right?]

I don't think that my opinion matters much in this case.

[And he's left, briefly, to wonder why he's hedging, why he can't bring himself to do it.]

It matters to me.

[ A simple, honest statement.

Josh looks back down at his coffee; shrugs. ]

[Leaning back, remembering, belatedly, that his cigarette was still lit.

Taking a drag.]

...No. No, I don't believe he deserved to die.

[This was going to come back and bite him in the ass someday, wasn't it?

(Soft.)

Shut up.)]

[ Josh is quiet, thumb moving idly up and down the side of his cup, eyes almost shuttered.

He's thinking, turning Hikaru's words and the events only hours before, over and over in his head.

Was he a mage? Stanley had asked.

Not this one. Words from his own mouth.

And then Brig, one hand falling to his shoulder.

His eyes snap up; narrow again, the brows above them knitting together. ]

You said no twice. But backed off on the third.

[ And of course, the unspoken question: Why? ]

Why, indeed.

[His own gaze is sliding away. There are few better words to describe the tiny smile on his face as something other than bitter.

Just having this conversation was sending a tiny chill down his spine, and spreading little tendrils of hurt across his brain. Warnings.

Bans were terrible, terrible things.]

[ Hikaru's gaze slides away and Josh looks on, his own focused as if by simply looking at the younger(?) man, he might solve the puzzle that's been nagging at him ever since he'd watched him storm off, the echo of Brig's words -- harsh and blunt and painful in their truth -- still there in his ears.

He lets a few minutes pass, gives the conversation pause, if only for the moment and rests his chin on the heel of his palm, free hand taking out his Vice-issued mobile phone for him to poke through.

Eventually, though, he looks back up. And just like that, it clicks.

He's remembering that one day Inquisitor Aria Skye talked them through he subject of spirits after they'd all come in to see the big white wolf that sat in quiet attention at her side. One of the younger kids had been unable to resist asking, his hand shooting up, eyes wide in wonder--

Teacher Aria, is that a werewolf?

Um, no, sweetheart. Werewolves can't have children with their own kind. Or the resulting offspring ends up like White Walker here, a spirit child, and werewolves kill those on sight.

--and suffice to say, that had set the tone for the rest of the day.

There had been questions then, and a segue into why the Changing Breed could reproduce where werewolves could not ( they had a Changing Breed in class, a quiet little boy with too-large eyes who occasionally couldn't help the urge to snatch up the wayward flying insect who wandered in through the open windows ), before Aria went into the place of werewolves in the world as guardians of the Spirit Realm and why that was a pretty big deal.

Spirits all have bans, she'd gone on to say, and the stronger the spirit, the stricter the ban. They'd been shown then, how White Walker could not act unless it was in Aria's defense, and true enough, a ball of paper had been lobbed at the wolf by one reluctant volunteer and all White Walker had done was blink back, head canted to one side. When a second ball arced Aria's way, then and only then did they see the wolf move.

Not all bans are like this. Some are silly and others are harsh. Josh hadn't given much thought about the brief flicker of sadness that had crossed the inquisitor's face, had shelved it aside as she went on to tell them all about one particular demon whose ban was to rhyme out everything that he said.

But he hadn't known about Hikaru's connection to his instructor at the time -- now though, Josh knows better. ]

You've got a ban.

[And because he could not say yes, could not confirm nor deny or come even close to maybe doing any of that, the only thing Josh was going to get was Hikaru tossing the butt of the cigarette he had managed to finish in between his word's and Josh's, and lighting up another cigarette.

The nicotine, he hoped, would help. The pain was starting to spread, like an itch. Was he going to be lucky this time, and be able to keep it under wraps?

(No. The ring was creeping into sight again, around his eyes. The graying was probably going to follow soon, in his hair.

It's been a long, long time since he could call his body his own and really mean it.)]

[ Hikaru might not be saying a thing, but the rest of him clearly was. That red ring was there again, around his eyes. The same red ring that had been there that afternoon.

Josh reaches for his pack of cigarettes at that, tugs a stick out, the slightest of tremor in his hands as his old Sunday school lessons come back to him, as if it was only yesterday that he and Cindy were sitting in the old, worn church that their mother would insist that they attend mass at every week. ]

I never liked that story, [ he murmurs quietly, taking a slow drag. He'd said at the beginning of everything, that he wouldn't pick up the habit. Looks like he was going to, after all. ]

Which one?

[His voice is a little thin, and his breath a little ragged. It is a good thing, though, that he can speak properly for himself again. Maybe all he needed now was a few more steps away from the obvious, and the effects weren't going to trigger again.]

Edited 2014-01-12 17:18 (UTC)

[ He's looking over with concerned eyes now. He remembers the lessons in Aria Skye's class, so he chooses his next words carefully. ]

The one from the Bible. It made my sister sad. She said that Peter should have just kept his mouth shut, I told her that sometimes people do things because they're scared and don't know better.

[ He takes one long drag and taps out the ash. he shakes his head. ] Sorry, man.

[ For pressing. For needing to know. ]

It's fine.

[He smiles at Josh, because the kid needs to know that really: at the end of the day, this couldn't have been helped. The ban he has now is something he's learning to live with. Although...]

Can you do me a favor?

Anything.

[ He takes another drag, takes it in deep into his lungs that the nicotine finally hits.

The smile the Blade King sends his way makes him feel strangely small. ]

Try to keep this knowledge to yourself.

[He can't actually stop Josh from spreading it around, but he'd like to hope that he could trust the kid to be careful. Only too many people already knew, in Hikaru's opinion. Reaping was still a part of the cycle. Constantly cheating the rules was bound to generate new problems for all of them.

(And he did not even want to think about how guilty it was going to make him, not being able to rise up to the fate he had, in some ways, chosen for himself. For having friends and family who were willing to give so much.)]

[ He ducks his head quietly, looks up with a sad, but understanding look. ]

Not my place. Not my secret to tell.

[ He kills his cigarette. ]

Thanks.

[The red rim, at least, is disappearing. The pain has faded completely.]

I should apologize. I wasn't really angry at any of you. Just...

[How could he begin to go into how much this frustrates him? How there are only too many things that he wished he could say or do?]

[ Josh shakes his head. No apologies are necessary, and if anyone should, it should honestly be him.

He makes a move to stand, absently pocketing the pack of cigarettes in his coat. ]

I'll... leave you to your work, sir. [ He ducks his head in a gesture of parting. ] Thank you, for taking the time to hear me out.

Right. See you around.

[And in a way, it's good that Josh has chosen to retreat. He'll need some time to recover himself.]

003. and in every raindrop... // open post.

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