003. and in every raindrop... // open post.

[icarusalsoflew]

Take a prompt, take some time, drop in as you like. If you're from Eudio, though, mosey on down here.

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[larue]

[ He knows that the initial grip of his fingers as they catch near-frantic on your wrists is hard, so he softens his touch so it doesn't bruise ( your hands are small, your fingers fine and delicate, nevermind that they belie a strength comparable to a god's. ]

Babe, [ that's choked out ] Hikaru don't-- [ Don't apologize, please. Don't pull away, or hide behind a mask of composure. ]

I'm sorry.

[ One hand lifting now, cupping your cheek and drawing your gaze back his way. He can feel the tears falling, trickling down because the sight of you like this brings back not only memories of the nightmares that had plagued you out there, in the Bone Hills, but his own recollections of your history.

( Don't think of Coach just yet, Josh. Of the Bargain you broke in a bid to reach for something more. Don't think of Makoto and the keys the geist -- your friend had gathered with each victory in Arcadia; that wish for something else whatever it could have been because you cut the rope without thinking, dropping him back down into the Underworld. ) ]

This was on me.

[ Please. Let him own it. Let him own the selfishness that's brought you pain. It's the least that he could do. ]

I'm sorry. [ His voice is so soft now. ] I'm so sorry, love.

[icarusalsoflew]

[ Because of that, you'll end up seeing how haunted he looks the moment those eyes turn up towards yours, just as much as you'll be able to feel the way he's trembling. The anguish, stress and grief are all hitting him at once now, long after the fact. ]

But I could have fucked up. I could have --

[ He could have killed you. The thought alone is enough to send another fresh wave of pain through him, rendering him incapable of finishing what he started to say.

(And he is honest to Elaine upset that you did that, and it isn't because of what you pushed him to do since that's just what he'd do for anybody who mattered to him. It's because there could have been another way. Things could have still worked out without any of this. You didn't have to be so reckless. He has to believe that.) ]

[larue]

[ And perhaps he hasn't had enough time to truly interrogate the reasons why he'd all but leapt at the chance to save Anya, his eyes falling on the profile of one Yulia Bostova only to remember the last time they ( the Hounds ) had faced a force stronger than themselves.

They couldn't call for you out there. You would have cut Liana down, the choice of the matter taken out of your hands because some things, some people -- they stay dead once their time is done.

He lets your wrist go in favor of framing your face with his hands, the look in your eyes another shot to the heart with your words following in the wake of it all. ]

You didn't. [ He doesn't know exactly what you did, but you've broken the rules before, and it rakes over his heart, the knowledge that there's a cost for his actions and that it once more fell to you.

He tugs you toward him, a gentle guiding to bring you closer; bridge the gap between you both. ] You didn't.

[icarusalsoflew]

[ You must understand, love, that he's at war with himself. It's instinctual for him to follow you: every cell in his body is screaming for him to do it, to just throw caution and care to the wind and give over. But his is the will of somebody who's been conditioned for too long to swallow the broken pieces of his own heart in favor of the people who matter to him the most. To never reveal what he's truly thinking, to shore up, soldier on, and deal with his own emotions well-hidden from view.

As such, it's almost like he's hanging between one place and the next: where he is seated and still within the minimum amount of distance he needs to safely retreat from you, and where he'll be able to collapse in your arms and know that ultimately, terrible as things are, he'll be safe.

If for anything, though, he hasn't started moving away yet, nor is he stopping you from getting closer. ]

[larue]

[ He'll push up from the floor at that, weight on his legs and one hand falling to grasp fingers on the back of your chair as he presses near, forehead coming to rest against yours as he unapologetically wraps his arms around your shoulders. ]

I'm sorry, [ his voice breaks as the pitch softens to barely above a whisper, as if any louder might shatter him from the inside out. ] I'm so sorry.

[ He doesn't really know what to do. He only knows that he feels more exhausted than he thought he could ever be, the facts all lining up like little lead weights over his heart.

He's dropping his head to your shoulder, face pressed into the fabric of your clothes and fingers fisting ovee what they can gather up against his palm. ]

[icarusalsoflew]

[ He hangs on that moment a little longer before he finally lets himself wrap his own arms around you. ]

I don't know what I'll do now, if you're gone.

[ He's never, ever been good at losing people. He could live a thousand years more, and it'll still hurt. ]

[larue]

[ There's a breath that leaves him when he feels your body give into his embrace. ]

I'm here. [ Those words should not taste like ash in his mouth, but they do. This could have gone down better, had he given himself time to think, to wait, to consider. But what's done is done. He needs to think firmly in the present for now. ] I'm not going anywhere.

[ He'll need to speak to the others... but that can wait. He's going to push all thoughts of this campaign to the side for the moment because the world needs to stop spinning first. ]

[icarusalsoflew]

[ You say that, and he knows that you mean it. He also knows, however, that regardless of who you are, what you're like, and how hard you try, you're still just one man. There are forces beyond you and him that neither of you can control completely.

You might truly intend to stand by him for as long as you can, but he could still lose you in a blink of an eye. (He could still lose himself, and end up destroying you in the process.)

So he's further reduced to tears just touching upon such thoughts, such ugly feelings. He clings tight to you, tighter than he ever has before, because truly: nothing has actually ever gotten better or slowed down in the least for him for years, and he is, indeed, starting to split apart at the seams. This has just sped up the process. ]

[larue]

[ And he curls around you just as tight, the backs of his eyes hot and his heart aching because this is not how he had thought it would all go down. His head's a mess but he walked into this with his eyes open and his thoughts on one thing: that he wanted to do what he could, as selfish and as arrogant as that sounds, given that no one had ever put the world on his shoulders.

He'll hold you tight, hold you close, hold you even when you're falling apart. It's the least he could do, honestly, given the stress he's caused you from this whole ordeal. ]