[ Nothing's ruined, he wants to say. Nothing yet and even if it were, that is hardly on you, love.
It's not on anyone really. Sometimes, things just don't work out the way anyone wants them to. It's not fine, but it's not on you.
He shifts, lets go for a bit though his hands linger on your shoulder, and then he's snagging his fingers on one of the nearby seats and pulling it close so he can sit down.
His knees bump lightly against yours, he leans close, one hand relieving you of that cigarette and setting it down on the ashtray before he takes either of your bare hands in his own. ]
No, [ gently now, Josh ] No, you're not, babe.
[ He lifts a hand then, fingers tipping that chin up, drawing your eyes to his. ]
[ For one sharp, terrible moment, he feels all sorts of trapped and exposed, feels that you're a bit too close and only closing in when he really, really doesn't want to open up any more of himself than he already has. He doesn't want to let go and trust you to take care of him because it's going to hurt again, and he's so fucking tired of hurting.
But he doesn't want to turn you away. Him avoiding the hurt doesn't justify possibly hurting somebody he cares about as a result, and you're more than just that to him. You're his entire fucking world.
[ He can see the indecision writing itself over your features, in the silence, the hesitation and the pause. You're hurting and he doesn't need spoken acknowledgements to confirm what you're doing; that you're shrinking into yourself because nothing feels right, much less the way your skin settles over your bones.
So here he is, edging his seat a little closer and lifting both your hands to his lips and lifting his eyes to search yours.
Come on, love. ] I'm right here, babe.
[ Let him be your harbor, your shelter in the storm. Let him offer you a place to hide away when the world isn't fair. ]
[ You always are, aren't you? In every capacity for him, every damned second of every day.
What the hell is he going to do as the years pass, as he sees you getting older and feels himself start to truly burn out? What is it going to be like when he stares down at your grave, still haunted by the echo of your voice in his ears/your scent/the particular weight of your arms around him?
Why does he even try with anyone, when it's always, always going to end the same way, no matter how good it gets?
Maybe it's those thoughts that make him crack at the end, because he usually succeeds at shoving them so far down and deep that he could almost pretend they don't exist - but tonight's events made it all rise to the surface.
Even as the look on his face shatters, even as he's slumping against you, he still can't bring himself to reach out and hold on like he doesn't ever want to let you go. ]
[ It doesn't matter that you can't reach for him, because he's drawing you in, pulling you over and tugging you close with a certainty that says simply: let me do this for you, let me be your rock. He promised himself, you see, that he'd meet you in the middle -- no matter how challenging or difficult the road. He'll meet you there and adjust the distance accordingly if ever you can't make it over to him because he just loves you that much. ]
I've got you, Hikaru. [ He's pressing his lips to your forehead, breathing gentle kisses into your hair, his hands coming up to frame your face and trace the line of your jaw tenderly with his fingers. ] It's gonna be okay.
[ Maybe not right now, or tomorrow, or the day after. But eventually, he has to believe that it will, if he has to throw himself up as a shield for your heart and your sanity. ]
[ He'd love to believe you, but it's so hard, not when it seems as though all it takes is for a month to pass - maybe two - before something new happens and it's on him. ]
I... I just...
[ He should let go, shouldn't he. Just bend and break and change things around so that he doesn't keep screwing things up. ]
Maybe this was a bad idea.
[ Maybe he shouldn't have gotten his hopes up, or even considered the possibility. Maybe he should have just done here what he always does in the Fifth World: cut away whatever he can do without if it means making it better for the people around him. ]
Hey, [ he's catching your chin and peering over so he can look you straight in the eye, thumb ghosts over your bottom lip, ] There's no bad or good in this, babe.
[ His hands are gentle as he takes your back in them. ]
You have a beautiful heart that can love so many. And if I can accept that and be perfectly fine with you loving others as much as me?
[ He wasn't about to stand by and watch you compromise everything that you are. ]
But what if this means that we won't be able to be with her?
[ And she matters to him. She matters a hell fucking lot, especially since the last person that they could have had something with ended up going home. Besides, outside of that there was also the fact that she was one of their dearest friends in Eudio. Had he screwed that up for them too? ]
[ He's going to hate being the one to call the facts as they are, but he's not going to sugarcoat things or dress them up nicely and pretend that shortchanging your wants and needs. He's selfish that way, sue him.
Framing your face again in his hands and leaning in close as he speaks soft and quiet in the air between you both. ]
It wouldn't be worth it, babe. [ He's sorry. He's so sorry he has to be the one to tell you this, but someone has to keep their head above water lest everything else sink. ] You would have been unhappy and if Mae is half the girl I believe she is after all these months of friendship together -- she wouldn't be happy either.
[ It's a long shot to assume, but it's a risk he's willing to take. ]
Say I didn't speak up, say we both compromised. She's a smart girl with eyes and she won't be blind to seeing you the way I do, Hikaru. She'll see it, when you fall for others even if you pull back the moment you feel it.
[ Please, please, hear him out. ]
It's better this way. If she decides it's not worth it, that's her loss, not ours. Does this stop you from loving her? No. Has it ever stopped you from loving everyone you've ever had feelings for? No.
The only difference is that the door is still open but it's not up to us anymore to walk through it. It's up to her.
[ Your steadiness and your simple ability to just make everything better both through what you say and all of the little things that make you what you are for him (your warmth, your smell, the precise weight and feel of your hands, the sound of your voice) will never cease to amaze him.
Watching you a moment longer after you finish, and then just letting out a shaky sigh. He's also pulling himself in closer, to bury his face into your neck. ]
You're right. I... I guess I just need some time to accept that.
[ And here he is, curling around you and keeping you close, a weighted breath leaving him as he steels his heart and buries deep his own disappointment that this whole exercise turned out to have a drawback he hadn't accounted for. ]
Take all the time you need. [ He presses his nose into the crook of your neck, arms tightening in an instinctive gesture that says fall apart if you have to, I'm here, I always will be for as long as I can. His voice is rough with emotion and hushed with the need to be your rock and your shelter, come what may. ] We have that here, time.
[ Call him selfish, but if he can milk Eudio for everything it's worth, he will. Here's a space and a world removed from your own, where you two can just be for once, without the press and demands of the Vigil you'd both temporarily left behind. ]
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icarusalsoflew) wrote2015-04-24 11:23 am
no subject
This is so unfair. He's trying to keep it together, Josh. ]
I'm... [ Breathe in, breathe out. ] I'm okay. Really.
[ This is on him. For expecting anything, for asking, for ruining a good thing. ]
no subject
It's not on anyone really. Sometimes, things just don't work out the way anyone wants them to. It's not fine, but it's not on you.
He shifts, lets go for a bit though his hands linger on your shoulder, and then he's snagging his fingers on one of the nearby seats and pulling it close so he can sit down.
His knees bump lightly against yours, he leans close, one hand relieving you of that cigarette and setting it down on the ashtray before he takes either of your bare hands in his own. ]
No, [ gently now, Josh ] No, you're not, babe.
[ He lifts a hand then, fingers tipping that chin up, drawing your eyes to his. ]
Hey, c'mere for a sec and let me hold you.
no subject
But he doesn't want to turn you away. Him avoiding the hurt doesn't justify possibly hurting somebody he cares about as a result, and you're more than just that to him. You're his entire fucking world.
And yet. ]
no subject
So here he is, edging his seat a little closer and lifting both your hands to his lips and lifting his eyes to search yours.
Come on, love. ] I'm right here, babe.
[ Let him be your harbor, your shelter in the storm. Let him offer you a place to hide away when the world isn't fair. ]
no subject
What the hell is he going to do as the years pass, as he sees you getting older and feels himself start to truly burn out? What is it going to be like when he stares down at your grave, still haunted by the echo of your voice in his ears/your scent/the particular weight of your arms around him?
Why does he even try with anyone, when it's always, always going to end the same way, no matter how good it gets?
Maybe it's those thoughts that make him crack at the end, because he usually succeeds at shoving them so far down and deep that he could almost pretend they don't exist - but tonight's events made it all rise to the surface.
Even as the look on his face shatters, even as he's slumping against you, he still can't bring himself to reach out and hold on like he doesn't ever want to let you go. ]
no subject
I've got you, Hikaru. [ He's pressing his lips to your forehead, breathing gentle kisses into your hair, his hands coming up to frame your face and trace the line of your jaw tenderly with his fingers. ] It's gonna be okay.
[ Maybe not right now, or tomorrow, or the day after. But eventually, he has to believe that it will, if he has to throw himself up as a shield for your heart and your sanity. ]
no subject
I... I just...
[ He should let go, shouldn't he. Just bend and break and change things around so that he doesn't keep screwing things up. ]
Maybe this was a bad idea.
[ Maybe he shouldn't have gotten his hopes up, or even considered the possibility. Maybe he should have just done here what he always does in the Fifth World: cut away whatever he can do without if it means making it better for the people around him. ]
no subject
[ His hands are gentle as he takes your back in them. ]
You have a beautiful heart that can love so many. And if I can accept that and be perfectly fine with you loving others as much as me?
[ He wasn't about to stand by and watch you compromise everything that you are. ]
no subject
[ And she matters to him. She matters a hell fucking lot, especially since the last person that they could have had something with ended up going home. Besides, outside of that there was also the fact that she was one of their dearest friends in Eudio. Had he screwed that up for them too? ]
I should have just...
[ He should have just let it go. ]
no subject
Framing your face again in his hands and leaning in close as he speaks soft and quiet in the air between you both. ]
It wouldn't be worth it, babe. [ He's sorry. He's so sorry he has to be the one to tell you this, but someone has to keep their head above water lest everything else sink. ] You would have been unhappy and if Mae is half the girl I believe she is after all these months of friendship together -- she wouldn't be happy either.
[ It's a long shot to assume, but it's a risk he's willing to take. ]
Say I didn't speak up, say we both compromised. She's a smart girl with eyes and she won't be blind to seeing you the way I do, Hikaru. She'll see it, when you fall for others even if you pull back the moment you feel it.
[ Please, please, hear him out. ]
It's better this way. If she decides it's not worth it, that's her loss, not ours. Does this stop you from loving her? No. Has it ever stopped you from loving everyone you've ever had feelings for? No.
The only difference is that the door is still open but it's not up to us anymore to walk through it. It's up to her.
no subject
Watching you a moment longer after you finish, and then just letting out a shaky sigh. He's also pulling himself in closer, to bury his face into your neck. ]
You're right. I... I guess I just need some time to accept that.
[ And deal with the hurt, the wondering. ]
no subject
Take all the time you need. [ He presses his nose into the crook of your neck, arms tightening in an instinctive gesture that says fall apart if you have to, I'm here, I always will be for as long as I can. His voice is rough with emotion and hushed with the need to be your rock and your shelter, come what may. ] We have that here, time.
[ Call him selfish, but if he can milk Eudio for everything it's worth, he will. Here's a space and a world removed from your own, where you two can just be for once, without the press and demands of the Vigil you'd both temporarily left behind. ]