icarusalsoflew | 003. and in every raindrop... // open post.

[You're terrible, by the way. And now you can watch him as his gaze turns inward just for one second before he's letting a small smile cross his lips and giving you a small nod.]

Okay.

[It's childish, really, how he wishes he could keep all of you with him. That's not how things work. He's more aware of that fact that he ever has been now.]

[ Josh is quiet as he watches that, watches you.

He tilts his head to one side though, after that response and lifts his eyebrows in question. ]

Whatcha thinking?

[And while there's a rueful noise and a small shake of his head at that, he still ends up answering you.]

It's a bad habit. One of the many, really.

[He has had 29 lifetimes to develop a lot of those.]

[ Nodding, getting that you'll likely need time. Calibrating on that. ]

No time like the present to break them then.

[ He bows his head a little, idly rubs the bridge of his nose with one finger.

He.... isn't sure what to say beyond that. ]

[That is fine, because he isn't too sure what to say in that direction either. Since this is apparently Honesty Hour, though, and he knows that he's in no state to even begin to try and hide more things from you:]

I had to go because it's hard to stay here. It's hard to think, you know. Hard to breathe.

[Looking away, to watch his own fingers as they're drawing idle circles on the sheets.]

Tohru -- [Cutting off for a moment there, swallowing.] My father's on that bed. And, if things had been different, that could have been Aria. But now it's him.

Edited 2014-03-31 16:20 (UTC)

[ Inquisitor Skye had mentioned as much, when the Hounds had arrived via port thanks to Eli Tagabigay.

The situation sucks. These are people who you both love. ]

This isn't something you want to hear, but I'm going to say it because I think you need to hear it.

[ He's watching your hands now. ]

Better Tohru than Aria. Your father's got a world of experience that she doesn't. He's been at this longer, and has a number of reasons to come out of that coma. [ Your mother, your siblings, you. ] He'll make it.

[ He said that earlier but it bears saying again: ] You have to trust in that. Faith isn't my strong suit, but I know one thing -- doubting Tohru's ability to pull through is a disservice to him not just as one of your strongest men, but as the man who raised you.

[ Softer now: ] Have a little faith?

Edited 2014-03-31 16:33 (UTC)

I know. Believe me when I say that I want to.

[Having faith is about the only thing he can afford to have with regard to this issue, lest it drive him completely crazy.

Letting out another laugh. It's short, rueful, and pained.]

It sucks, having all of this power. Situations like this make me feel like it's worth nothing.

[ He's reaching over now, tracing a finger along Hikaru's cheek. ]

It's not worth nothing.

[ And maybe it's selfish of him to think this because he'd been there, watching as that mushroom cloud erupted over the TFV base. He hadn't even been able to tell Makoto to pull them out -- the geist had been the one to prompt him. ]

And if you'd been there, that might be the both of you in the hospital. [ There's a note in Josh's voice as he whispers that. And he's deliberately keeping his eyes on the Blade King's face lest his gaze wander up to that clock above his head. ]

Edited 2014-03-31 18:16 (UTC)

Or I could have been able to do something.

[Even as he's saying that, though, he knows that it was pointless to think on it. As things were, it might just make this entire ordeal hurt even more if he kept dwelling on it, and at the moment? He couldn't handle any more pain.]

I hope he wakes up soon.

[Saying like that, perhaps, means that he will end up waking up. Right?]

He will.

[ He's no authority on healing. But it feels disrespectful to Tohru to think that the mage won't come out of this. ]

And it'll be interesting to see what he thinks of Wiseman Tagabigay taking on his spot.

[That's making him smile a little, because he can already hear what Tohru is probably going to say in his head.]

He'll probably tease Elias mercilessly about it for an hour. Give or take.

[ And it's good to see you smile. To hear you say that, because it means that maybe, he's helping. Maybe he's getting you to ease the guilt from your shoulders. Even a little.

It's a good enough opening, he supposes. ]

So. China, huh?

Mm. Just... needed to get away. Like I said.

[But he also needed to be close at hand, if only for his own peace of mind.

Terrible business, this waiting.]

[ There's that twitch on his brow. You probably know it well, given that you know his tells.

It hurt him. You, going. ]

That far, huh?

Edited 2014-03-31 18:46 (UTC)

[His response doesn't come quickly, because yes, he's reading into the look on your face.]

Pretty much everything here reminds me of what's going on down here.

[Saying that softly, and then reaching out to hold your cheek with one hand.]

I'm sorry about that. I should have told you, at least.

[ He's worrying at his bottom lip at that, but he does look up with just his eyes. ]

It's okay. [ Not... really. But he can deal. He doesn't want you taking him on as a burden on top of everything else. ] I get it.

It just... it hurt. Made me feel like you couldn't trust me to have your back.

I do trust you.

[Maybe a bit too much for his own good.]

And it's not "okay", is it?

[Yes. He can tell.]

[ Caught him there.

Giving you an apologetic look now, before he's quietly shaking his head. ]

Sorry.

It's okay.

[He doesn't even have to know what Josh is apologizing for yet.]

What are you thinking about?

[ Now it's his turn to have a rueful smile. ]

I dunno... I guess...

I guess I just don't get why you keep on running away from me.

[ Looking up at that and looking younger than his age. Just a kid trying to figure out what he keeps doing wrong where it concerns the person he loves.

Ducking his head again, though, and adding quietly: ] I'm sorry for trying to pick a fight. After you walked past me the other night... I called Alistair.

He said you'd need to get angry. But that you wouldn't. Not with all that guilt.

[The mention of Alistair's name makes this one get that look on his face, that odd mix of tenderness, ruefulness, and just a little bit of regret.

That, however, is an issue for another time. You're with him, and he's yours. Apparently, though, he has to remind you of that.

Drawing in close, to press his forehead against yours.]

To be honest, I was glad that you stayed so close. I'm just not at my best lately. [Stroking your cheek, still keeping your gaze.] And it's hard for me to open up about these things. You know I can't afford to lose it. Not while things are like this.

I know.

[ He doesn't mean to drop his gaze, to draw back, but he feels like he needs to in order to center himself again.

So this is Josh turning away and reaching for those cigarettes again. He needs a smoke. ]

[That leaves him to watch you for more than a heartbeat before his own gaze is dropping down to the floor, and to where his hands now hover above that, twisting about.]

I'm surprised you're not angry at me.

[That's a soft and honest admission on his part, right there.]

[ That stalls him from lighting up as he turns a Look your way, the cigarette balanced between his lips.

He catches that between his fingers, so that he can speak. ]

Why would I be angry?

[ Hurt? That you'd left, that you hadn't spoken to him before you'd run to tell him at least where you would be going to get some breathing room -- yes. Helpless? That he could do nothing to ease your heartache even if he tried? Of course.

But angry? Why in the world-- ]

Your father is in a coma. A woman you care deeply about and love is in a wheelchair. A number of Zangyaku operatives -- good, capable people who you, as a leader, are responsible for -- are dead because of Grendal's sick idea of a nuke.

You needed space and time to calibrate -- I get that. I can even understand why you'd need it to be as far away as China, because well... this is kind of, um, you.

[ Explain, please, Blade King. This one's a bit confused.

Softly, again: ] But why... would you think that I would be angry at you?

[Well, that's throwing him a little left of center. He's always been one to believe that regardless of one's situation, a person had to make the decision for himself to keep it together and not burden anyone else. In light of that, his personal assessment of his own behavior had been less than favorable. So.

The smile he's giving you now is small (as is his custom tonight) and a little helpless.]

I can't really explain it. Habitual, I guess?

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