icarusalsoflew | 003. and in every raindrop... // open post.

[ He's never been one to beat around the bush. Oh, he'll pace himself, just so that he can get something of a read on the other party he'd like to talk to -- but shooting straight is something Josh prefers to swing with. Less misunderstanding that way. ]

Just wanted to say thank you.

[ A beat, and then: ] And to apologize.

For crossing you the way I did -- not, [ there's a pause, for emphasis, ] for sticking by my principles.

[ He leans back into his seat at that; shrugs. ] You probably do know all about what that kid is gonna do, if he's going to go nuts again and prove me wrong.

But everyone deserves a second chance. [ He offers a small, mildly apologetic smile. ] And for the record, I never said that you didn't believe in them. [ He hadn't missed that look in the Blade King's eye before he'd stormed off. ]

Man with your history?

[ He leaves off at that and thumbs out a cigarette, even if he doesn't make a move to light it. ]

My 'history', as you put it, does not have a lot to do with second chances, in my opinion.

[He speaks very, very quietly. Strange how letting them know all about him had backfired. Most others had quailed, and had - as he had predicted, as he had hoped - been content to draw up their own conclusions. More often than not, said conclusions meant staying the fuck away from him.

That suited him just fine. There were better people, and better things.

Perish the thought. Back to the now, where he's sighing, pursing his lips, cutting himself off from saying more.]

Anyway. It's fine.

[Can't be a part of Zangyaku if you get upset over a single person insulting you. And you most certainly can't be their Wolf if you're so easily affected by such things.

(Right?)]

Is it? [ He sips at his coffee, gaze following the grooves beneath the varnish. He's half-there with Hikaru, half back in that room, sitting down beside the boy, Stanley having just put away his sword.

When he looks back up, there's a frown between his brows. ]

And isn't it? [ This time, about the lives, tough as they are. Hard as they looked on paper, on file and video. Because Josh has always believed in making the most of the cards that life deals you. ] You've done a lot of good.

[ And then, amending: ] Even if you say you didn't intend to.

[You've done a lot of good.

It never gets easier, hearing that. One would think that after over a millennia of living, one would build a little more confidence in one's self.

He used to deny it. He used to deflect, send people down another path. He used to try to remind them not to look at the sum of his good deeds, but at all of the terrible and ugly things that had come before them, between them.

"You need to let people who care about you care, you know."

(Forgiveness is a virtue, right, Aria Skye?)

Back in the Great Hall, Hikaru's reaching out and closing his laptop.]

I stand corrected. [A pause, as he's looking up and really looking at Josh for the first time since their conversation began, as he's grasping for the right words to say. (Read: the ones that won't give away too much, even if it's a bit too late to be careful.)] It will be fine. I just lost it a little earlier.

[And it wasn't going to happen again, if he could help it.]

You do what you've got to do... that's how things work here. If you don't get used to it, then it just makes things more difficult in the long run.

[ He's silent a moment, contemplating Hikaru's words and the truth behind them. ]

That's true. [ He offers a small smile. ] But someone as generous as yourself-- [ he says that with deliberate weight, because Hikaru Shinta didn't have to show up on that plane, didn't have to do a lot of the things that he did for Josh's fledgeling of a blade, nor the other countless people Lorenzo Reyes showed them that day he'd called Kaz to the Arcanum to share his findings.

He just did. And every single, last one of those people, Josh can imagine -- were grateful. Whether they owned up to it or not.

A man didn't have fiercely loyal followers like the Zangyaku if there wasn't something worth believing in where it concerned him. ]

You were different. [ He says quietly, thumb tracing the edge of his drink. ] And I get that you're the almighty Death, sir. So I guess I came here because I want to understand.

[ A breath. ] Because you broke pattern.

[ He shrugs at that.

Josh sees things, patterns he can't quite find context for, but that his gut asserts fit a certain way. And when that pattern is broken, he's pretty convinced that there always is a reason behind the divergence from the tried and more or less tested. ]

[And the things he could tell this one, if he was capable of it. Hell, if he even wanted to. Others had done strange things with the knowledge of Hikaru Shinta's very real limitations, with knowing that being Death meant having Rules.

Time for another cigarette. It takes him longer than usual to light up. He's forgotten, for the moment, all about the coffee.]

Sometimes, people break their usual patterns because they don't have a choice.

[(Three admonitions, and three only. Like the cock crowing thrice at the crack of dawn.

Poetic, no?)

He takes a long drag and breathes out, because silence is always an option.]

Edited 2014-01-10 09:36 (UTC)

[ His brows furrow at that. ]

You don't strike me as someone who'd stand for having his choices taken away.

[ The words are said out loud, but mostly as a means to process his thoughts. Nevertheless, it is the truth that Josh knows based solely on his observations of the man seated across him.

And then, quietly offering: ] I have a question.

I might not be able to answer you.

[It's not a no, at the very least. He has a feeling that he knows what's going to go down next.

It doesn't make him feel any better.]

[ Josh narrows his eyes at that. It's a strange thing to say, makes him wonder about the way Hikaru's sudden mention of a lack of choice, a lack of other options. ]

If it's fine by you sir, I'll ask anyway.

[ He leans back into his seat at that, eyes still fixed on the Blade King. ] Do you think he deserved to die?

[ He stresses the 'you', looks straight at the other man as if to say: not Death, but the man, Hikaru Shinta. ]

[He could deflect this, perhaps. Throw the scent, send the kid down a different trail. It would make things easier in the long run.

Right?]

I don't think that my opinion matters much in this case.

[And he's left, briefly, to wonder why he's hedging, why he can't bring himself to do it.]

It matters to me.

[ A simple, honest statement.

Josh looks back down at his coffee; shrugs. ]

[Leaning back, remembering, belatedly, that his cigarette was still lit.

Taking a drag.]

...No. No, I don't believe he deserved to die.

[This was going to come back and bite him in the ass someday, wasn't it?

(Soft.)

Shut up.)]

[ Josh is quiet, thumb moving idly up and down the side of his cup, eyes almost shuttered.

He's thinking, turning Hikaru's words and the events only hours before, over and over in his head.

Was he a mage? Stanley had asked.

Not this one. Words from his own mouth.

And then Brig, one hand falling to his shoulder.

His eyes snap up; narrow again, the brows above them knitting together. ]

You said no twice. But backed off on the third.

[ And of course, the unspoken question: Why? ]

Why, indeed.

[His own gaze is sliding away. There are few better words to describe the tiny smile on his face as something other than bitter.

Just having this conversation was sending a tiny chill down his spine, and spreading little tendrils of hurt across his brain. Warnings.

Bans were terrible, terrible things.]

[ Hikaru's gaze slides away and Josh looks on, his own focused as if by simply looking at the younger(?) man, he might solve the puzzle that's been nagging at him ever since he'd watched him storm off, the echo of Brig's words -- harsh and blunt and painful in their truth -- still there in his ears.

He lets a few minutes pass, gives the conversation pause, if only for the moment and rests his chin on the heel of his palm, free hand taking out his Vice-issued mobile phone for him to poke through.

Eventually, though, he looks back up. And just like that, it clicks.

He's remembering that one day Inquisitor Aria Skye talked them through he subject of spirits after they'd all come in to see the big white wolf that sat in quiet attention at her side. One of the younger kids had been unable to resist asking, his hand shooting up, eyes wide in wonder--

Teacher Aria, is that a werewolf?

Um, no, sweetheart. Werewolves can't have children with their own kind. Or the resulting offspring ends up like White Walker here, a spirit child, and werewolves kill those on sight.

--and suffice to say, that had set the tone for the rest of the day.

There had been questions then, and a segue into why the Changing Breed could reproduce where werewolves could not ( they had a Changing Breed in class, a quiet little boy with too-large eyes who occasionally couldn't help the urge to snatch up the wayward flying insect who wandered in through the open windows ), before Aria went into the place of werewolves in the world as guardians of the Spirit Realm and why that was a pretty big deal.

Spirits all have bans, she'd gone on to say, and the stronger the spirit, the stricter the ban. They'd been shown then, how White Walker could not act unless it was in Aria's defense, and true enough, a ball of paper had been lobbed at the wolf by one reluctant volunteer and all White Walker had done was blink back, head canted to one side. When a second ball arced Aria's way, then and only then did they see the wolf move.

Not all bans are like this. Some are silly and others are harsh. Josh hadn't given much thought about the brief flicker of sadness that had crossed the inquisitor's face, had shelved it aside as she went on to tell them all about one particular demon whose ban was to rhyme out everything that he said.

But he hadn't known about Hikaru's connection to his instructor at the time -- now though, Josh knows better. ]

You've got a ban.

[And because he could not say yes, could not confirm nor deny or come even close to maybe doing any of that, the only thing Josh was going to get was Hikaru tossing the butt of the cigarette he had managed to finish in between his word's and Josh's, and lighting up another cigarette.

The nicotine, he hoped, would help. The pain was starting to spread, like an itch. Was he going to be lucky this time, and be able to keep it under wraps?

(No. The ring was creeping into sight again, around his eyes. The graying was probably going to follow soon, in his hair.

It's been a long, long time since he could call his body his own and really mean it.)]

[ Hikaru might not be saying a thing, but the rest of him clearly was. That red ring was there again, around his eyes. The same red ring that had been there that afternoon.

Josh reaches for his pack of cigarettes at that, tugs a stick out, the slightest of tremor in his hands as his old Sunday school lessons come back to him, as if it was only yesterday that he and Cindy were sitting in the old, worn church that their mother would insist that they attend mass at every week. ]

I never liked that story, [ he murmurs quietly, taking a slow drag. He'd said at the beginning of everything, that he wouldn't pick up the habit. Looks like he was going to, after all. ]

Which one?

[His voice is a little thin, and his breath a little ragged. It is a good thing, though, that he can speak properly for himself again. Maybe all he needed now was a few more steps away from the obvious, and the effects weren't going to trigger again.]

Edited 2014-01-12 17:18 (UTC)

[ He's looking over with concerned eyes now. He remembers the lessons in Aria Skye's class, so he chooses his next words carefully. ]

The one from the Bible. It made my sister sad. She said that Peter should have just kept his mouth shut, I told her that sometimes people do things because they're scared and don't know better.

[ He takes one long drag and taps out the ash. he shakes his head. ] Sorry, man.

[ For pressing. For needing to know. ]

It's fine.

[He smiles at Josh, because the kid needs to know that really: at the end of the day, this couldn't have been helped. The ban he has now is something he's learning to live with. Although...]

Can you do me a favor?

Anything.

[ He takes another drag, takes it in deep into his lungs that the nicotine finally hits.

The smile the Blade King sends his way makes him feel strangely small. ]

Try to keep this knowledge to yourself.

[He can't actually stop Josh from spreading it around, but he'd like to hope that he could trust the kid to be careful. Only too many people already knew, in Hikaru's opinion. Reaping was still a part of the cycle. Constantly cheating the rules was bound to generate new problems for all of them.

(And he did not even want to think about how guilty it was going to make him, not being able to rise up to the fate he had, in some ways, chosen for himself. For having friends and family who were willing to give so much.)]

[ He ducks his head quietly, looks up with a sad, but understanding look. ]

Not my place. Not my secret to tell.

[ He kills his cigarette. ]

Thanks.

[The red rim, at least, is disappearing. The pain has faded completely.]

I should apologize. I wasn't really angry at any of you. Just...

[How could he begin to go into how much this frustrates him? How there are only too many things that he wished he could say or do?]

[ Josh shakes his head. No apologies are necessary, and if anyone should, it should honestly be him.

He makes a move to stand, absently pocketing the pack of cigarettes in his coat. ]

I'll... leave you to your work, sir. [ He ducks his head in a gesture of parting. ] Thank you, for taking the time to hear me out.

(no subject)

icarusalsoflew - 2014-01-12 19:11 (UTC) - Expand

003. and in every raindrop... // open post.

s-sob /)(\

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)