icarusalsoflew | 003. and in every raindrop... // open post.

[He's smiling at that, but it fades away a little quickly. Cigarette. Booze.

Should he...? Did he even want to right now? And yet --]

Kasumi's husband Akihiko - the man who fathered me in my 27th cycle - he... I killed him.

[And he should look at Brig, but it's too damned difficult.]

She tried not to blame me for it, but. There you have it.

[ A pang of loyalty kicks in. More blame on him. Again.

But it's tempered by the unimaginable pain of watching the man you love killed by your own son. Brigade never told Alison (Hawke's co-head of the HECATON, "mother" of his troops and particularly the Titans (their 12-man elite strike team, and his woman) that he'd killed (or so he thought) Hawke. She would have hated him as well. ]

What did he do? [ There was no need to ask why Hikaru did it. There was always a reason. Hikaru was not evil. Just placed with hard decisions that are always arguable things after the fact. ] What happened?

[ Knowing this was more about Hikaru now, than Kasumi. It was another dark secret from his brother's past. If he'd let him, this would not be a cross he'd have to bear alone anymore. ]

Edited 2014-02-09 08:28 (UTC)

My awakening in that cycle was violent. I lost control, and took a lot of people with me.

[He doesn't want to think about it. He doesn't want to remember. The ghosts rise up anyway.]

Akihiko went in after I had slaughtered one too many blades of oni-tsukai. He wanted to see if he could get through to me and save me, even if it meant him dying.

[And it had happened. He had come back to himself just as the sword had run through the gut of a man who had loved him, so perfectly and totally, that it could not have been real.

Alistair had had to drag him away from the corpse, hours later. The Seer had been too strong for him, and maybe - just maybe - the rage had been spent just enough to make the tears come.]

Edited 2014-02-09 08:43 (UTC)

[ He had expected the man named Akihiko to have gone bad. Had expected that his father had pushed him to do it.

He had not expected this. ]

I'm so sorry. [ Brigade stands up to sit beside Hikaru. Unsure at first, but brushing it aside, he puts his arm over Hikaru's shoulder and just grips him close. ] It wasn't your fault, man. It wasn't your fault.

[ Brig puts his beer down and rests his hand on his own knee. ] He loved you very much. I'm sure your mother knows that now.

[He's sucking in a breath, breathing out, staring hard at the table. Then he's putting his cigarette out in order to light up another one.]

I know. [A beat, and then, more for himself than for Brig:] I know. We're fine now.

[ Brig doesn't let go. He just holds him tighter and reaches for his beer. He clinks it on Hikaru's bottle and drinks. He grips tighter to try to reassure Hikaru. There are no words. There just aren't any words.]

[And he's drinking as well. One swig, then another, then a drag from his cigarette, then a third that polishes his bottle off. Setting that on the table now.]

She's not going to be easy to get to. Just see how things go from here, I guess.

[Discussing his mother's non-existent love life is better than going back there, at any rate.]

[ Brig just takes another swig ]

It doesn't matter right now, man. Don't worry about it. It doesn't.

I'm just here to drink. [ Kasumi's face flashes to mind and he can only imagine her crying.

Then he can only see Hikaru crying over a dead body. He can only imagine the pain. The years she must've held against him and how he probably took them as he always did.

He takes another swig. And he's just happy they're okay now. That they got past it.]

I'm just here to drink with you.

Edited 2014-02-09 10:05 (UTC)

Part of drinking with me is letting me try to recover by being the deflective little shit that I am, you know.

[Have a tiny, tiny smile.]

[ Brigade laughs at that and finally takes his arm off. He can tell it's okay now from the return of the snarky humor. ]

Well, [ He takes a happy swig of his Corona ] I'm here to help you break some of your bad habits. [ He laughs and elbows him on the arm ]

Please try to be gentle with me, at least.

[Because, really. He does need to retreat, especially after big talks like this one.

Feelings suck.]

[ Brigade laughs. ] I will. You take it easy on me too, okay? I've got bad habits of my own.

[ Brigade veers the topic away, to lighter things. The idiot that he is ends up bringing it back to Kasumi ]

If I asked you for her personal line, would you give it to me? Or do you think she would appreciate it that I don't use her son as a cheat, and find a way to find the unfindable Lady of the Night?

[ He pauses. ] I'm getting ahead of myself, sorry.

I won't pursue this if you mind that I do.

Edited 2014-02-09 11:27 (UTC)

I'll be honest and say that I don't really have an opinion. It's a bit too early to say how things might go between the two of you. Those exchanges might not have meant anything to her.

[Taking a drag.]

And no, I'm not giving you her number. If she didn't give it herself, then that's that.

[ Brigade laughs at that ] I expected at much. And I really wouldn't have taken it. Just wanted to see if you would give it to me. [ He takes a puff of his cigarette ]

I've no expectations, really. I just, admittedly, enjoyed the conversations.

And didn't want you finding out from anywhere else.

Thanks. I do appreciate that.

[Feeling marginally better now. Maybe after he finishes this stick, and a couple of other bottles...]

Was my mother the only thing on your mind?

[Yeah so maybe he's feeling around for some other way of keeping the conversation away from himself again. Might as well make one last attempt at it, right?]

[ Brigade finishes his beer and pops open another one. Dunks in the lemon slice and drinks. ]

Actually, yeah. That and your disapproval of it. She's still your mother. And I treat you like a brother. I didn't want to be a dick and hide it from you.[ Brigade stands up and takes another swig. ]

Sometimes, these conversations, remind me of how little a life I have outside of the everyday mission. [ He lights up a new cigarette and walks toward one of the windows ] Then I remember that's what I was made for. A mission, and all other missions.

Would you do me a favor? No, you don't have to tally what I owe you. [ He remembers something Hikaru said during his first day at Netsach, when he was being introduced to Father Aidan. "Do you want to owe me a favor?", or something along those lines.] I'll do the things you ask so long as I know you haven't gone off your rockers.

Ah.

[Watching Brig now, considering his words. What he's asking for has always been difficult to give. Granted, when was the last time Hikaru ever had an easy relationship that was good for him?

The smile is small, but genuine.]

Sure. I think I can do that for you.

[He'll try anyway, for as long as the two of them have left together.]

Can you do something for me?

[ Brigade's perplexed. He hadn't even asked his favor. Then he understands Hikaru thought his last statement was his favor. He laughs inside. He'll ask it after Hikaru's.]

That actually wasn't the favor I was going to ask. [ He chuckles. ]

That was a statement of fealty, Brother. I will follow everything you ask of me so long as I know it's still you. The Hikaru I've come to know.

But go, you first. You've never really asked anything of me. I'll do it if I can.

Oh.

[A small, embarrassed laugh. He's tired, he realizes. Still not quite good, not quite stable, prone to fucking up a little. Sleep will have to be in order soon.

But first.]

If I do lose it. If you're certain that there's nothing left of me in here.

[Looking up now, and looking, quite certainly, like this means the world to him, even if it hurts:]

You'll run. Take anyone else you care about, turn your back on me, run, and not look back.

[ Brigade sets the favor he wants to ask aside. Then takes it back into his mind's hand. Coincidence that he was going to ask it? Maybe. Fate? The existence of beings like Setsuna Shinta have made him think the latter's possible. He clenches his fists. Unclenches them. Clenches them again. ]

Brother, respectfully: That's an order you're only going to give me when you've "gone off your rockers". And I already told you, that's the only time I won't listen. [ He pauses. Afraid he may have pushed too hard. His brother had just asked him moments ago not to. Not to make him break.]

[ He breathes in deep, so Hikaru can see, cause he can, what he's feeling. ] I'll make sure everyone's safe. I'll take everyone you care for and make sure they're safe. If they run back, I'll do my best to keep them all away so you don't wake up with their blood on your hands ever again. [ Brigade feels... hurt? He feels... he doesn't know. What do you feel when your brother asks you to abandon him. ]

Cause you're going to wake up. I know you are. There's always going to be something of you in there. I'm going to drag it out. Whatever it takes.

[ He thinks on the favor. He breathes in deep. Fate, huh? He remembers why he was built in WWII. He remembers his conversation about a month back with Father Aidan. Maybe this is the "good" he's meant to do in life. ] I was going to ask for you to go back with me to the Shrine of the Zangyaku Initiation. I was going to ask you to let me fight you every fortnight, till I can hit you. Then till I can beat you. [ It was just supposed to be for fulfillment. Now it seemed (if Hikaru granted it) it would be preparation. ]

I can't promise I'll ever turn my back on you. We... our type... we only have each other, Brother Weapon.

Edited 2014-02-09 16:01 (UTC)

[The subtlety of his gestures betrays just how much this is fucking him up. Outside of the many things he could be saying and could be feeling, he's turning away with a quiet (shaky) sigh.]

It was worth a shot.

[He feels the need to apologize now, because he knows that this conversation has gotten under Brig's skin. Should he? He should, right?

(Your concern for this one is touching.)

Shut up.]

I'm sorry. I wish I could give you a straight answer now, but I'll... I'll have to think about your favor.

[Could he afford to let this one join the long line of fucking stubborn idiots whom he viewed as family? That line of people who were so ready - so willing - to catch him when he fell, and continued to believe in him no matter what?

(Because it was always going to be the same. He was always going to end up losing them in the end.)]

[ Brigade feels terrible as he watches Hikaru shake his head. He doesn't know if he wants to shout at him, kick him, or hug him. Instead, he let's his honesty flow out, hoping that his tact will be equal to it proportionally. Or that Hikaru will understand the meaning behind his words. ]

Dr. Eisenstein, my maker, lived a godforsaken long time, brother. I'm guessing I'll live around that long as well, god-willing. Who knows, I might make it long enough till the world churns out another idiot like me to take my place.

[ Brigade pauses and tries to stop the words from spilling out. They do anyway ] I'm not going to die like Akihiko [ He was a good man and an incomparable father ] did, brother. [ He hopes he knows where he's going with this ] I'm not going to let you kill me and make me another sob story.

[ Brigade smiles. He's not angry. Not anymore. He can't hate Hikaru when he understands where this must all be coming from ]
Cause if I do, how am I going to hit you, and drink with you, and break your bad habits? [ He hugs Hikaru tight with one arm, tucking his head into his neck. ] Don't worry, I won't tell anybody you've got skin like a girl who's never done any manual labor [ Brig chuckles softly ]

Edited 2014-02-09 16:40 (UTC)

[What the hell was with Brig and being so easy and military with his affections? What the fuck was with the plain out, simple honesty that he hasn't seen since Wolf's Choice/Rockin' Rollas/the Pack?

He's drawing a sharp breath and tensing up, all in an effort to Not Fucking Break. Then Brig throws out that last line, and while all of it still hurts, at least that part is funny, funny enough to make him chuckle.]

Fuck you. Next time you come to me for drinks, I'm going to make sure that it stays about you and never gets close to being about me.

[Because there's going to be a next time. Because maybe, for the moment, he's all right with keeping Brig close.]

Edited 2014-02-09 16:58 (UTC)

[ Brigade lets Hikaru go, and smiles ] Good luck. [ He laughs ]

I'll make it easy for you and do something stupid so that you can get a laugh at my expense for the whole night. I might just find a way to call your mother, and crash and burn terribly, so you can bury me in all the beer I'm going to drink. [ He laughs again ]

It really was about me, you know? This visit. I felt like such an idiot, asking your mother if I could drink with her all those nights. [ He downs his bottle, gets another two, tosses one to Hikaru with a whole lemon (he can slice it for himself), and sits himself back down on the couch. ]

Got any old Disney films? I think we should review Frozen for when we force Yulia to sit through it. [ Looks like it was going to be a long morning of drinking ]

Edited 2014-02-09 17:05 (UTC)

[Using this time to let Brig's words wash over him while he tries to stand on his own metaphorical feet. It mostly involves taking the bottle and the lemon, considering it for a bit, then putting both down in favor of running a hand through his own hair then going for a cigarette.

Goddamn.]

So that's still on, huh? [Tiny smile, mostly apologetic.] Maybe next time. I should probably go to bed soon.

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