icarusalsoflew | 003. and in every raindrop... // open post.

[ This is what you see as you're delivering those lines: Josh's shoulders tensing, because this isn't what he'd hoped to hear; the look of hurt in his eyes, because another memory bled through from someone else is flashing in his mind. The way he's slipping his hands out from where he'd shoved them into his pockets and the tremor that is unmistakable when he lifts one of them comes to press up against his forehead.

A shaky breath, at that. Him stepping one half-step back. ]

Ouch. [ Yes. ] Shit.

[ Where is your courage now? ]

Funny, [ no, not funny at all. ] I thought you'd be happy about this.

[ Looking at back at you now, confidence shattered. ]

Edited 2014-03-09 19:48 (UTC)

It's not --

[Cutting off with a short, pained sigh. Seeing you like that cuts him straight to the bone, because - no matter what - the last thing he ever wants to do is hurt you any more than he already has.

How the hell was he going to do this? He still had his own fair share of doubt, beyond all of the questions he had for this one.]

I'm sorry. It's just, you and I were together hours ago. You didn't seem to have any idea that I...

[And that had hurt. You were right there, genuinely concerned, genuinely out of sorts, and he couldn't say a thing.

Pleading now.]

I just want to make sure that you're certain about this.

Edited 2014-03-09 19:58 (UTC)

[ He's kind of wishing that he hadn't told Makoto to stay away now, because he suddenly feels like he's fumbling in the dark. ]

No. [ Turning away a little, reminded suddenly that he was the last to know. ] No, I didn't.

[ He does now though -- or does he?

A fisted hand pressed to his mouth. ] About that. [ Calibrating, pulling himself together, because he's been rattled and shook and pushed and to top off the last, incredibly emotionally draining last two weeks -- he'd had the awful realization that his options were being taken away. So yes, he looks hurt.

No, he actually looks... betrayed. ]

Were you even going to clue me in at all? [ Yes. Definitely feeling betrayed. It's a Brennan Thing, you see. Options. Having them. Taking them. Figuring them out for themselves. ] Or did you just decide for yourself that what? That you were doing our friendship a favor by getting over your feelings and just leaving me in the dark?

[Those words and the look that they were topped with were more than enough to wound him.]

I wasn't keeping it from you because I wanted to hurt you. [Far from it.] I just thought that you weren't ready.

[And can you blame him for wondering, albeit briefly, if you'd ever be ready?]

I didn't think you'd ever come to feel the same way that I do for you. I didn't want to put that on you.

[And that would have been fine with him - or rather, he would have made himself come to accept it, especially since it was likely that turning in another direction would be better for you in the long run.]

[ And when you put it like that, punching holes in what he'd thought made perfect sense, what else is he supposed to do?

As it is, Josh knows that he's miserable when the two of you are out of sorts. Wasn't that something that was clear to August, to--

Yep. That is him stiffening as Jessie Vice's words come back to him. Makoto finally easing him into what the hell Alistair Mordechai had meant just a little over a week before is coming back into sharp focus. As is last night and the way you looked, the way you'd fallen into the old rhythm -- banter, harmless(?) flirting, then asking him to dance, Kaz telling him "Josh, why not?"

Did everyone see it but him?!

He's turning around now. He's done with this conversation.

( By rhe way, that flush is back at the nape of his neck. ) ]

[It's a bit of a slap to the face, seeing how deciding to be honest about his own feelings (something that has never come easy) seems to have done nothing but ruin what's right in front of him.

He's on his feet now, but he can't quite bring himself to walk right over. The way you looked earlier and the way you sounded just --]

Josh...

[That comes out soft and choked. His chest feels tight as hell, and his mind is very slowly but certainly breaking down, filling with static.]

Josh, please, I...

[I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.]

Please don't leave.

[He was going to lose this one, wasn't he? This was going to be just another royal fuck-up to add to his growing list of fuck-ups. Another thing he couldn't have, no matter how he tried to keep it close, to keep it safe.]

[ Of course he stops when you call. Didn't he go when you asked for that sudden club run? Didn't he text you and press when you said you were fine and he was so sure you weren't -- and you really weren't. Didn't he follow right after you'd clocked Jessie for worrying you ( all of us ) so badly? And what about yesterday. You didn't have to show up. But you did.

Scurbbing a hand over his face and turning around, wiping at his eyes because wow. Wow, shit. Wasn't Friday the fucking Thirteenth done already? Where the hell was this coming from? ]

I don't get you anymore. [ It really hurts to say that. ] Why the hell have you been treating me with kid gloves? You never used to do that.

[ Heel of his palm pressed to his forehead because he is so, damn tired. ]

You know, [ God, he hates crying. He has been crying a lot lately. More than he can stand. ] It was bad enough confiding in Bri and her telling me that there's no such thing as a perfect friendship when I figured we were pretty much as close to that.

[ He is so done. ]

Edited 2014-03-09 20:58 (UTC)

[The relief he gets over the fact that you haven't simply gone and walked out the door is incredibly short-lived. Seeing you so wrecked is... well. 'Enlightening', for the lack of a better word.

Now he's moving. His approach is careful, yes, but he isn't taking his time. In spite of everything together with his own very real doubts, he rather desperately wants to make sure that at least one of you is going to be all right - and yes, that he doesn't end up losing you. The least he could do is try, right?

Reaching out now with one hand, to hold your face and try to look you straight in the eye. Any attempt to bolt or push him away at this point is going to be met with firm, staunch attempts on his part at staying close, and waiting for you to meet his gaze.]

[ He didn't see you approach. One minute you were there across the room and the next you're so close it's a little hard to breathe.

He's looking at those violet eyes of yours, trying to get an idea of what it is you're thinking because he doesn't have a baseline for your behavior anymore and he's beginning to wonder if he ever did.

It's a childish thing to say, but he says it anyway, because he really fucking doesn't know anymore. ] Do you even want me around or not? Because if you do, I can't play these mind games. I hate being treated like a kid. I am tired of people making decisions for me.

[ A breath. A tired one. ] I don't want another Annie. [ He hopes you get what he actually means: I don't want to miss out anymore, just because someone else decided it was better that way. ]

[He's listening to all of that, and not doing anything but move in just a little bit closer and keep his eyes right on you.

Yeah, he... he probably should have known better, huh? Perhaps he had been frightened by how easily the two of you could connect, how safe you could make him feel, and how much he had come to trust you. That always throws the Blade King left of center, and often resulted in the worst possible outcomes.

His voice, when he speaks, is steadier now, and full of sincerity.]

I'm sorry, Josh. That was really stupid of me, and I know now that I should have trusted you more.

[And, how does he say this next part...?

Actually.

No words, then. He's just going to move in, still with that deliberate care, and kiss you. It's soft, chaste, coaxing, and incredibly gentle.

He's so fucking scared of losing you, and maybe he's also rather tired of missing out or losing or simply not getting what he wants regardless of what he does. This entire exercise has been nerve-wracking and worrisome and he still doesn't know if this is even the right choice to make, but he's certain of three things:

1.) He screwed up.
2.) He has to find some way of making it better.
3.) He really, really wants this.

If Josh won't have him after this because of what he's done, then perhaps that's just what he deserves. He'll think on it later, though: he has to try.]

Edited 2014-03-09 21:24 (UTC)

[ The kiss throws him at first -- and mostly because after all of that it's... the last thing he expects. But then those are your lips on his, soft and sweet and flooding him with relief.

He has no clue how to do this. He has no idea what this makes him. But the truth? He kind of doesn't care. Because if you find the person that fits -- Rethe and Aidan, Gabriel and Kyoya, Jill and Mia --it's more than enough right?

So yes, Hikaru Shinta. This is Joshua LaRue kissing you back, albeit shy and tentative and clearly reined in because he has... actually. Hm.

Pulling back a little and ducking his head as he looks away, that nape of his flushed again. ] Um.

Edited 2014-03-10 03:10 (UTC)

[Have a tiny smile in your direction, topped with Hikaru leaning in to press his forehead against yours. The words he speaks next are soft and hopeful: this is him laying his heart out to you, right now.]

Is that enough of an "I want you to stay"?

[Maybe they could work out everything else later. He really hoped that they could, because there's still a large part of him that can't quite believe that this is happening and another part of him that is so certain that he's going to fuck this up.]

[ A wordless nod. A really hesitant smile because he's feeling a little off-balance, and his heart is still hammering in his chest. But this is good, right? They're okay? They've... sort of talked?

If he can't meet your eyes just yet, it's because it feels like he's not quite sure of the ground beneath his feet. It's not you. Thinking about you settles him. It's everything else...

Hands coming up to cover his face now. ]

[And he's letting his hand drop, moving it, instead, to your hip. The other hand is doing the same thing.]

Come on. We should probably sit down.

[He will proceed to lead you gently to the bed if you don't respond in like, a minute.]

[ And then he just starts laughing.

( Kuzunoha you better be keeping that sound-proofing in place. )

Leaning back against the wall now, one hand coming up to touch his lips because, wow. This is going to be.

Yeah, Josh is definitely laughing and looking at you with that familiar look of I've just had a realization and I want to share it because it might make you laugh?

He's not tense anymore. His body language is utterly, undeniably relaxed. As for the look in his eyes when he's looming at you... it's mind of hard to miss how happy he is. ]

Edited 2014-03-10 04:20 (UTC)

[Okay. Not quite the reaction he had been expecting. But it looked like a good thing? Maybe...?]

What's so funny?

[ Sinking to the floor now, eyes still fixed on yours, the look in them suddenly as helpless as it is happy. ]

Class.

On Wednesday.

[ You know. Lit13. The one you happen to teach? ]

[Oh.

Oh right.

How did he forget about that?

Chuckling as well, as he's crouching down in front of you. (It's incredibly hard to resist the urge to reach out and touch you again, by the way.)]

I'll try not to be too distracted by you.

[He's... not sure how Josh is going to take that. Probably well? Hopefully well?

Excuse him, he's still in shock at how - well, no, it wasn't easy, but he wasn't expecting anything good to happen at all.]

[ Odd isn't it. This somewhat feels like déjà vu. ]

The problem isn't you, remember?

[ Funny how, in hindsight, that exchange of theirs sounds so loaded now, given how things turned out.

He drops his gaze, reaches tentatively for Hikaru's hand and slips his fingers through the other man's.

Chuckling now. ] How does that even work? I have a thing for my hot, younger teacher.

[ Yes. That is an admission that he does find you attractive. Has, for awhile now, but just couldn't admit it. ]

Edited 2014-03-10 07:14 (UTC)

[Letting you do that, of course, without a lick of hesitation.]

I'm sure you'll figure it out.

[You did say that you wanted him to treat you like an adult, right? Take responsibility.

Also, lightly tugging at that hand.]

The bed's more comfortable, you know.

I know, [ his eyes glancing away for a second before he pushes himself off the floor and letting you lead him over.

He hesitates before sitting down, but he does. And his hand hasn't let go of yours. ]

[This one doesn't seem to mind (although Mitsuru seems to: the kitten mewls once, and hops off after one anxious turn around the both of you). As things stand, he's letting you do that and using his free hand to set his cigarettes and the ashtray down on the floor, easily accessible to you both. It's one of the perks of having a low bed.

Since he's keeping himself busy with that, he's pretty quiet. Also seems rather focused in. Well. Suddenly having to play host to somebody in his room at an unholy hour of the morning.

Let's not think about the warmth of that palm, or the lingering memory of those two kisses, eh?]

[ Let it be said that the silence is making him just a little nervous. It's not that he's uncomfortable with it, more that weighted silences have never been part of your regular exchange. Either you or him always had something witty to say, but the moment doesn't seem to call for that -- and to be honest, he's just at a loss because huh.

So this is going to be a thing? Maybe?

That is his thumb doing absent, quiet circles over the side of your hand then. Because really, this one is speechless and unlike you, he has no reservations thinking about those two kisses.

He's thinking about them right now. Maybe that's why his ears are pink? ]

[Yeah, that's just a little hard to ignore. A little.

Okay. More like next to impossible.

Inevitably, of course, he's run out of things to do. That means that he's finally turning in your direction. You're both sitting pretty close together, close enough for your knees to touch if one of you so much as shifted.

That isn't the only thing that's distracting him. He really ought to be more disciplined about not staring at your lips first, before your eyes, or anything else for that matter.

Trying to cover that up now.]

Sorry about earlier. I really hope you're feeling better.

[Well, no shit, Blade King. He must be, right? What a dumb thing to say.]

[ Looking over at that, quiet at first and then smiling shyly: ]

I am.

[ Leaning over--

--and then chickening out and going for that pack of cigarettes instead. Because. This is hard, okay. He has literally no point of reference for this sort of thing. ]

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