icarusalsoflew | 003. and in every raindrop... // open post.

[ He's about to knock all over again when that door finally opens to reveal the young man on the other side.

For a moment, Josh hesitates, because okay, Brennan, you're here, now what?

It's a funny thing, flashing back to that first night at Hyve where everything had gone right except the ending when Hikaru had walked off, temporarily borrowing the rings that had once been Makoto Kuzunoha's geist. Same still, to that disastrous Rhiannon lunch where he'd only been too grateful ( after the initial shock of Brianna playing the "Oh, Josh didn't mention me?" card, followed shortly by Yulia playing along ) to be saved, and to find that the following week, all the unwanted advances at the Towers had dialled down because of that not-so-subtle implication by the Blade King that Josh hadn't really wanted to go into. Let's also not discount that ridiculously awkward moment at King's Rest, when he'd well-meaningly strong-armed the Blade King into sharing a drink, only to realize the mortifying fact that Makoto and he shared a mind-meld bleed, which he and his adoptive "tenant" had tried to work out, the geist hissing their established safe word, which would fail spectacularly eitherway, before he'd decide to promptly turtle.

It is enough to drive any patient, sane individual to the brink.

Or to do something incredibly reckless and foolhardy all because someone prefers thinking too goddamn far ahead and have the awful inclination not to clue anyone else in. ]

We need to talk.

[ You are so lucky you delayed this by five minutes, Blade King. Josh is at least calm, right now. Earlier might have been a little different. ]

[We need to talk.

Well.

One valuable lesson that he has learned in his 1,057 years is that those words never, ever bode well for at least one party involved. Based on the expression on Josh's face right now and adding in the fact that he was the one who had been knocking (probably incessantly) on his door this night (morning), that party was probably going to end up being him.

Outside of the not-so-mild rise of panic in his head, Hikaru's pursing his lips, and his hand is clenching none too subtly around the doorknob. The look on his face may be unreadable, but the look in his eyes is darkening fast. It's not anger, no. It's probably worse than that for him.

Fighting for calm now. Yes. There. (Hopefully it'll hold.)]

And it has to be now.

[It isn't a question.

He really, really doesn't want to do this here. He doesn't know exactly where this is going to go and - for once in his life - he doesn't want to guess, but that he's pretty sure that letting Josh into his room might end up being a Really Bad Idea (because he can't trust himself enough to hold strong and not slip up).]

[ And of course he catches the way that hand tightens on the knob, the way those eyes seem to shutter over and the precise manner by which those syllables fall.

There's a minute pause as Josh looks back at Hikaru at that, and right now? He's not even hiding his tells ( the way he presses his lips together because he has to chase the dryness there with his tongue, the deliberate intake of breath one, two, three because he's getting a handle on himself and calming down the riot of emotions that are white noise in his head and in his chest ) because he really cannot be bothered to play games, or be witty, or think ten steps ahead just to keep pace with you.

What was that old adagé? "When opportunity knocks"?

Stepping into the Blade King's space now, one hand coming to move the one curled around that knob as his free hand comes up to catch the young(er) man by the nape so that the Sin-Eater can nail him with ( what he hopes is ) a passable enough kiss.

Because now that he's calibrated how those borrowed memories stuck with him even after Makoto quieted down -- those five minutes only served to delay this.

Pushing them back into the privacy of that room now, because yes, that mouth is exactly as the memories promised it would be -- but talking is definitely in order. ]

Yes, [ murmured right up against those lips. ] Now.

Edited 2014-03-09 18:15 (UTC)

[There are several things that, to his shame, stopped Hikaru Shinta from making sure that none of that happened. For one, how the hell was he supposed to expect that. For another, really, how the hell was he supposed to expect that. And yes, there is the fact that maybe he had not brought his guard as far up as he should have (thanks a lot for that, LaRue), and yes, he'd rather not let those good old combat instincts kick in and splatter the offending(?) party across the wall out of self-preservation.

So, Joshua goddamnit LaRue, the slide of your hand across his skin made him start, and that passable kiss of yours effectively swallowed up a tiny gasp of surprise, and --

-- and even while all of the buttons for Panic and Confusion in his brain have been pushed all at the same time, his lips are tingling from just that one taste of yours, and the feel of your words against his mouth.

Right. What the. Okay.

Pushing out of your grip now, and taking several steps back. That mask he had only begun to carefully construct has crumbled, revealing the many conflicting emotions on his face (what did he just do, why the hell did he do that, what the fuck was going on, why the hell are we suddenly in my fucking room).]

Why... why did you...?

[No smoothness in this one now. He's already about to go dizzy from just beginning to think about this.]

[ He will feel sorry about this

In the morning. Later. Maybe over breakfast.

Or not.

Because at least while Hikaru looks the way he does, Josh doesn't have to worry about getting cut down by any lingering oni-tsukai.

( He hopes. ) ]

Why did I what? [ Internally now: You are a bastard, Kuzunoha. He is getting you two reams. ]

[The glibness of that response is incredibly, incredibly unnerving. Combine that with the look on Josh's face, and...]

What the hell was that for?

[There is not nearly as much heat behind that question as he would have liked there to be. Mere HOURS ago, Joshua LaRue, you seemed to have no clue on what was going on, both with yourself and with the one who was sitting right beside you at the club. Said party had been rather keenly interested in working towards somewhere normal, somewhere safe.

This was decidedly not safe.]

[ Admittedly, he didn't think this far. Which is a first, but also not entirely surprising given his history of making decisions once the emotional trigger is pulled and he's certain that whatever is laid out in front of him is the option that he wants to take.

Question, LaRue: What do you feel for the guy right across from you now?

That's easy: Hikaru Shinta is his best friend, the one person who somehow catches him as much as he's claimed that Josh does the same. The one who he'd run to without even thinking when he thought he'd screwed up a good thing with Rethe Kyriff, who he'd kept secrets for outside of one Yulia Bostova, who he's been paying attention to all of this time because call it ironic that he's a Sin-Eater and the younger man is the vessel.of Death incarnate -- they get each other, end up both miserable when their rhythm is off, and are at their most relaxed when things between them ( he might be reaching, help him out here, Hikaru ) settle back to okay. ]

Is it really that much of a surprise?

[ He knows he's one to talk. It had been spelled out right in front of him for ages and the corners only clicked into place tonight. But if there's anything he's certain of it's that the ghost of that kiss is still lingering over his mouth. ] What? You're the only one allowed to have realizations like this?

[ His tone is light, and he is... trying to smile. Because you're not exactly giving him much to go by. ]

Edited 2014-03-09 18:56 (UTC)

[To be completely fair, young man (because yes you are technically younger than him by miles and miles), you're not exactly giving him that much to go on either --

-- and in other areas, you're giving him way too much.

"You're the only one allowed to have realizations like this?"

This is beyond overwhelming. He had been so utterly, perfectly convinced that there was no way Joshua LaRue could ever look at him that way, could even begin to THINK Of him that way. And now, this?

(And that kiss. That.)

Sinking down on the edge of his own bed now, because by Elaine, he cannot, for the life of him, stay on his own feet now. There's an inquiring meow from Mitsuru that he doesn't even register.

The look on his face in the dim lamplight within his room is going incredibly quiet. The confusion takes precedence over everything, and there is no disgust or anger, but. But.

He can't even look at you now.]

You can't be serious.

[ That... takes him by surprise. ]

Of course I'm-- [ alright, you're not looking. But if you were, here is a flash of hurt fluttering across his features before he seemingly attempts to make a move to step closer, only to stuff his hands in his pockets and rock back on his heels. ]

Hikaru. Look at me.

[ Because you look so young. And so small right now. And you're making him wonder if he's done something wrong. ]

[And he's looking up, all right, because what else could he possibly do? Now you're going to see that other things are, indeed, settling on that face. Too many shadows there, too many conflicting emotions: confusion (always and ever confusion tonight), guilt, sadness, doubt.]

I'm no good for you. There are so many other people out there, and you've got so much going for you. I...

[You don't deserve to be saddled down by him. That was precisely why he had quietly resolved, midway through that club run, that he was going to let you go.

His lips are pressing together, twisting in an almost painful way.]

Josh, are you even sure about this?

[Wasn't it the Bleed? Wasn't it loneliness? Wasn't it just confusing admiration with something else?] Wasn't it any number of other possibilities that were surely tamer - safer - than this?]

Edited 2014-03-09 19:32 (UTC)

[ This is what you see as you're delivering those lines: Josh's shoulders tensing, because this isn't what he'd hoped to hear; the look of hurt in his eyes, because another memory bled through from someone else is flashing in his mind. The way he's slipping his hands out from where he'd shoved them into his pockets and the tremor that is unmistakable when he lifts one of them comes to press up against his forehead.

A shaky breath, at that. Him stepping one half-step back. ]

Ouch. [ Yes. ] Shit.

[ Where is your courage now? ]

Funny, [ no, not funny at all. ] I thought you'd be happy about this.

[ Looking at back at you now, confidence shattered. ]

Edited 2014-03-09 19:48 (UTC)

It's not --

[Cutting off with a short, pained sigh. Seeing you like that cuts him straight to the bone, because - no matter what - the last thing he ever wants to do is hurt you any more than he already has.

How the hell was he going to do this? He still had his own fair share of doubt, beyond all of the questions he had for this one.]

I'm sorry. It's just, you and I were together hours ago. You didn't seem to have any idea that I...

[And that had hurt. You were right there, genuinely concerned, genuinely out of sorts, and he couldn't say a thing.

Pleading now.]

I just want to make sure that you're certain about this.

Edited 2014-03-09 19:58 (UTC)

[ He's kind of wishing that he hadn't told Makoto to stay away now, because he suddenly feels like he's fumbling in the dark. ]

No. [ Turning away a little, reminded suddenly that he was the last to know. ] No, I didn't.

[ He does now though -- or does he?

A fisted hand pressed to his mouth. ] About that. [ Calibrating, pulling himself together, because he's been rattled and shook and pushed and to top off the last, incredibly emotionally draining last two weeks -- he'd had the awful realization that his options were being taken away. So yes, he looks hurt.

No, he actually looks... betrayed. ]

Were you even going to clue me in at all? [ Yes. Definitely feeling betrayed. It's a Brennan Thing, you see. Options. Having them. Taking them. Figuring them out for themselves. ] Or did you just decide for yourself that what? That you were doing our friendship a favor by getting over your feelings and just leaving me in the dark?

[Those words and the look that they were topped with were more than enough to wound him.]

I wasn't keeping it from you because I wanted to hurt you. [Far from it.] I just thought that you weren't ready.

[And can you blame him for wondering, albeit briefly, if you'd ever be ready?]

I didn't think you'd ever come to feel the same way that I do for you. I didn't want to put that on you.

[And that would have been fine with him - or rather, he would have made himself come to accept it, especially since it was likely that turning in another direction would be better for you in the long run.]

[ And when you put it like that, punching holes in what he'd thought made perfect sense, what else is he supposed to do?

As it is, Josh knows that he's miserable when the two of you are out of sorts. Wasn't that something that was clear to August, to--

Yep. That is him stiffening as Jessie Vice's words come back to him. Makoto finally easing him into what the hell Alistair Mordechai had meant just a little over a week before is coming back into sharp focus. As is last night and the way you looked, the way you'd fallen into the old rhythm -- banter, harmless(?) flirting, then asking him to dance, Kaz telling him "Josh, why not?"

Did everyone see it but him?!

He's turning around now. He's done with this conversation.

( By rhe way, that flush is back at the nape of his neck. ) ]

[It's a bit of a slap to the face, seeing how deciding to be honest about his own feelings (something that has never come easy) seems to have done nothing but ruin what's right in front of him.

He's on his feet now, but he can't quite bring himself to walk right over. The way you looked earlier and the way you sounded just --]

Josh...

[That comes out soft and choked. His chest feels tight as hell, and his mind is very slowly but certainly breaking down, filling with static.]

Josh, please, I...

[I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.]

Please don't leave.

[He was going to lose this one, wasn't he? This was going to be just another royal fuck-up to add to his growing list of fuck-ups. Another thing he couldn't have, no matter how he tried to keep it close, to keep it safe.]

[ Of course he stops when you call. Didn't he go when you asked for that sudden club run? Didn't he text you and press when you said you were fine and he was so sure you weren't -- and you really weren't. Didn't he follow right after you'd clocked Jessie for worrying you ( all of us ) so badly? And what about yesterday. You didn't have to show up. But you did.

Scurbbing a hand over his face and turning around, wiping at his eyes because wow. Wow, shit. Wasn't Friday the fucking Thirteenth done already? Where the hell was this coming from? ]

I don't get you anymore. [ It really hurts to say that. ] Why the hell have you been treating me with kid gloves? You never used to do that.

[ Heel of his palm pressed to his forehead because he is so, damn tired. ]

You know, [ God, he hates crying. He has been crying a lot lately. More than he can stand. ] It was bad enough confiding in Bri and her telling me that there's no such thing as a perfect friendship when I figured we were pretty much as close to that.

[ He is so done. ]

Edited 2014-03-09 20:58 (UTC)

[The relief he gets over the fact that you haven't simply gone and walked out the door is incredibly short-lived. Seeing you so wrecked is... well. 'Enlightening', for the lack of a better word.

Now he's moving. His approach is careful, yes, but he isn't taking his time. In spite of everything together with his own very real doubts, he rather desperately wants to make sure that at least one of you is going to be all right - and yes, that he doesn't end up losing you. The least he could do is try, right?

Reaching out now with one hand, to hold your face and try to look you straight in the eye. Any attempt to bolt or push him away at this point is going to be met with firm, staunch attempts on his part at staying close, and waiting for you to meet his gaze.]

[ He didn't see you approach. One minute you were there across the room and the next you're so close it's a little hard to breathe.

He's looking at those violet eyes of yours, trying to get an idea of what it is you're thinking because he doesn't have a baseline for your behavior anymore and he's beginning to wonder if he ever did.

It's a childish thing to say, but he says it anyway, because he really fucking doesn't know anymore. ] Do you even want me around or not? Because if you do, I can't play these mind games. I hate being treated like a kid. I am tired of people making decisions for me.

[ A breath. A tired one. ] I don't want another Annie. [ He hopes you get what he actually means: I don't want to miss out anymore, just because someone else decided it was better that way. ]

[He's listening to all of that, and not doing anything but move in just a little bit closer and keep his eyes right on you.

Yeah, he... he probably should have known better, huh? Perhaps he had been frightened by how easily the two of you could connect, how safe you could make him feel, and how much he had come to trust you. That always throws the Blade King left of center, and often resulted in the worst possible outcomes.

His voice, when he speaks, is steadier now, and full of sincerity.]

I'm sorry, Josh. That was really stupid of me, and I know now that I should have trusted you more.

[And, how does he say this next part...?

Actually.

No words, then. He's just going to move in, still with that deliberate care, and kiss you. It's soft, chaste, coaxing, and incredibly gentle.

He's so fucking scared of losing you, and maybe he's also rather tired of missing out or losing or simply not getting what he wants regardless of what he does. This entire exercise has been nerve-wracking and worrisome and he still doesn't know if this is even the right choice to make, but he's certain of three things:

1.) He screwed up.
2.) He has to find some way of making it better.
3.) He really, really wants this.

If Josh won't have him after this because of what he's done, then perhaps that's just what he deserves. He'll think on it later, though: he has to try.]

Edited 2014-03-09 21:24 (UTC)

[ The kiss throws him at first -- and mostly because after all of that it's... the last thing he expects. But then those are your lips on his, soft and sweet and flooding him with relief.

He has no clue how to do this. He has no idea what this makes him. But the truth? He kind of doesn't care. Because if you find the person that fits -- Rethe and Aidan, Gabriel and Kyoya, Jill and Mia --it's more than enough right?

So yes, Hikaru Shinta. This is Joshua LaRue kissing you back, albeit shy and tentative and clearly reined in because he has... actually. Hm.

Pulling back a little and ducking his head as he looks away, that nape of his flushed again. ] Um.

Edited 2014-03-10 03:10 (UTC)

[Have a tiny smile in your direction, topped with Hikaru leaning in to press his forehead against yours. The words he speaks next are soft and hopeful: this is him laying his heart out to you, right now.]

Is that enough of an "I want you to stay"?

[Maybe they could work out everything else later. He really hoped that they could, because there's still a large part of him that can't quite believe that this is happening and another part of him that is so certain that he's going to fuck this up.]

[ A wordless nod. A really hesitant smile because he's feeling a little off-balance, and his heart is still hammering in his chest. But this is good, right? They're okay? They've... sort of talked?

If he can't meet your eyes just yet, it's because it feels like he's not quite sure of the ground beneath his feet. It's not you. Thinking about you settles him. It's everything else...

Hands coming up to cover his face now. ]

[And he's letting his hand drop, moving it, instead, to your hip. The other hand is doing the same thing.]

Come on. We should probably sit down.

[He will proceed to lead you gently to the bed if you don't respond in like, a minute.]

[ And then he just starts laughing.

( Kuzunoha you better be keeping that sound-proofing in place. )

Leaning back against the wall now, one hand coming up to touch his lips because, wow. This is going to be.

Yeah, Josh is definitely laughing and looking at you with that familiar look of I've just had a realization and I want to share it because it might make you laugh?

He's not tense anymore. His body language is utterly, undeniably relaxed. As for the look in his eyes when he's looming at you... it's mind of hard to miss how happy he is. ]

Edited 2014-03-10 04:20 (UTC)

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