icarusalsoflew | 003. and in every raindrop... // open post.

[ There's a part of him that wants to curl up behind you and gather you close, to press his nose into the back of your shoulder and to hold you until the hurt from the last couple of days goes away.

He can't. He wants to, but he can't. So instead, he's going to sit here and stay quiet.

For now. ]

[The rain isn't enough for somebody like him to not notice the other quiet sounds beyond his room, throughout the rest of the base. Movements, mostly from the Bodhisattvas --

-- and even touching upon that is enough to make his lips press tight, and his shoulders shake. He curls up a little more, shuts his eyes for longer than a blink, and reaches up to hug himself.

It's cold tonight. It really shouldn't be.

Time to focus on something else now.]

Sorry for leaving.

[ And you might not be looking his way, but it's unlikely that you'll miss the intake of breath that he takes at that apology, the sound of him slipping that cigarette back into it's pack before his weight allows the mattress to sink.

Behind you now, with a huffed sigh, his arms around you and his face pressed into your neck. ]

Don't. Please.

[ There's a hitch on that first syllable, and a breath shortly after that second one.

And then he's pulling back, giving you space, because he needs to calibrate.

His voice is soft when he speaks again: ] You don't have anything to apologize for.

[Moments like this make him feel so terribly small, and it's almost pathetic how somehow, you staying close but doing nothing else but be close hurts a little.]

Don't I, though?

[He keeps fucking up, keeps making decisions that make him lose out in the end. He's done plenty of that recently, and it hasn't done you any good.]

You don't.

[ That's murmured softly even as he reaches for his pack.

Still not lighting up, even as he twirls a single cigarette between his fingers. ]

I should be the one saying sorry.

[That makes him turn towards you, with a tiny frown.]

What for?

[Because, honest to Elaine, he doesn't have a clue. Trust in the Blade King to never fault his lovers for anything, even when he ought to.]

[ The smile that touches his lips is a tight one, and sad. And when Josh speaks again, his voice is all the more hushed: ]

For making you worry because I've been feeling nothing but useless to you.

For trying to pick a fight, because you were keeping things in again and that's never good where you're concerned.

[ Looking over now, ] For not having the sense to stop Tohru before he'd gone off.

[ As far as he knows, they were the last to see him. He'd wanted to run back, but Yulia had been right -- the rest of them would have been left behind. ]

[The mention of his father's name is enough to make him go still, and enough to keep him from responding for a little too long.]

He did what he had to do.

[And he swears on all the realms in existence that he wishes that it could have been otherwise, but he knows, only too well, that you can't always get what you want.]

You did what you had to do as well.

[With that statement, though, he's not just referring to the engagement. He's referring to them.]

[ It's little comfort, but he'll take it. He couldn't have left them then, wouldn't change his decision now, even if he wishes there had been something else that the lot of them could have done.

He's bowing his head now, lifting that cigarette to his lips. ] He'll make it.

[ He lights up. ]

You have to trust that he will.

Yeah.

[That one took a while to get out, and when it does, it's soft and a little choked. His head hurts from all the crying, and he's tired, tired down to his bones.

Thank Elaine that you're here. If you weren't...]

I'll get better at this. I swear I will.

[Saying that instead, because he knows that you're not going to let him apologize.]

[ The urge to curl around you is great. But he lifts that cigarette to his lips again, takes one long shuddering drag to center himself.

It doesn't work.

This is a sigh. A heavy one. ]

I can still hear the apology in that.

[ Turning to face you now, letting his gaze follow the curve of your form. ]

You really don't need to apologize for anything. You didn't fuck up. If you did, then let me share the blame because I haven't been able to figure out how this whole thing works.

Hikaru.

[ Please, stop beating yourself up over things outside of your control. ]

Look at me.

[It's a little horrible how he finds himself responding to you almost automatically. When he lifts his gaze towards your face, the expression that's written on his own face and in his eyes is full of an almost heartbreaking amount of vulnerability.

He was so scared, back there, of him coming back to you nowhere in sight. He's still scared, because the possibility always, always exists.]

Mm?

[ And he's meeting that look of your with one of his own: that is his gaze fixed on your face, his lips in a neutral line as the cigarette in his hand burns away.

Josh looks, in a word, tired. ]

Talk to me.

[ No apologies, just conversation. Just you and him hashing out whatever the problem is. ]

I don't really know what to say.

[It's the truth, at least. Maybe it's coming out much easier than it should because he's absorbing the way you look, and the way you sound.]

I'm just... I'm just glad that you're still here.

[ This is Josh starting at that statement, brows drawing in together, lips parting in surprise because that statement makes no sense to him at all. ]

Of course, I'd still be here.

[ Give him a minute. Your logic doesn't quite compute to him. ]

Where else was I gonna go?

[He shakes his head, with a rueful and helpless little smile.]

I'm scared, I guess. I know you won't go. I do. Just...

[It just never works out, and there's never enough time, and sometimes - just sometimes - it's his fault.]

[ Those are both his eyebrows lifting at you, Hikaru Shinta. ]

...Just?

Just what?

[ He's killing that cigarette now. ]

[Well, the look on your face is making his own gaze flinch away from you. It's difficult, beating back the urge to apologize again.]

It just never works out for me, with anyone. And I really don't want to lose you. I don't... [Choking up a bit, and swallowing the lump in his throat before speaking again.] I don't think I can take it if you go.

[Of course, that will inevitably happen. You're going to go first. Everyone does.]

Edited 2014-03-31 12:09 (UTC)

[ His gaze is softening now, and though for a moment he does nothing but look at you, when he moves, he moves, finally coming over and catching your arm to pull you upright, protests ( if any ) be damned before he's pressing his lips to yours in a kiss that has all of his heart -- and all of that helplessness -- in it.

When he finally draws back, he's got his gaze fixed on yours, and his hand is still firm on your upper arm. ]

Don't go there. [ He honestly isn't sure if he's reading you right, but he thinks that given recent developments, not just with your father but with Aria Skye in that wheelchair, he's likely close enough. ] Don't think too far and forget that the rest of us are still here.

[ He says that deliberately. Because he can't think on himself gone just yet. Dying once was enough, and this second life has just started. ]

[But there's no protest at all from this one, although there is a little bit of surprise. Not responding, however, is impossible.

Your statement after the both of you break away, however, earns you a soft, rueful laugh.]

That's difficult to do.

[He's tried before. He really has.]

Try. [ Pinning you with a Look, Blade King. ]

It's a fact none of us can change but-- [ sitting back now, still focused on those violet eyes though ] --just try.

[You're terrible, by the way. And now you can watch him as his gaze turns inward just for one second before he's letting a small smile cross his lips and giving you a small nod.]

Okay.

[It's childish, really, how he wishes he could keep all of you with him. That's not how things work. He's more aware of that fact that he ever has been now.]

[ Josh is quiet as he watches that, watches you.

He tilts his head to one side though, after that response and lifts his eyebrows in question. ]

Whatcha thinking?

[And while there's a rueful noise and a small shake of his head at that, he still ends up answering you.]

It's a bad habit. One of the many, really.

[He has had 29 lifetimes to develop a lot of those.]

[ Nodding, getting that you'll likely need time. Calibrating on that. ]

No time like the present to break them then.

[ He bows his head a little, idly rubs the bridge of his nose with one finger.

He.... isn't sure what to say beyond that. ]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject