003. and in every raindrop... // open post.

[icarusalsoflew]

Take a prompt, take some time, drop in as you like. If you're from Eudio, though, mosey on down here.

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[larue]

[ He hadn't noticed the rain, had plugged into the movie and had tuned everything else out. As he's noticing the sound, as he's catching the hint of your breathing over that line, he's already rising from where he'd stretched out to check the window. ]

Where are you? [ Josh's voice is soft as he peers outside.

Abe no Seimei had told them all casually that you were in China. He's quietly hoping you aren't that far. ]

[icarusalsoflew]

[Hearing your voice sends a fresh pang of need and shame and guilt right through him. It's enough to make him choke on his own words.]

I'm... I'm near. [A very long pause, because it's hard to speak over the stones in his chest.] Can't really move right now.

[As things stand, he doesn't even remember how he ended up on the ground in the first place. He's just so fucking tired.]

[larue]

I'll be right there. [ He doesn't wait for you to say anything else. The tone in your voice has him worried, and as soon as he can grab his hoodie from his things, he's out that door and running across the open lawn to look for you.

He didn't end the call, so he's bringing that phone back up to his ear as he squints through the dark and the rain. ]

Where are you? [ You'll note the worry that's evident now in his voice. ] Hikaru, where are you?

[icarusalsoflew]

Gates.

[He has curled up even tighter into himself, and his voice, at that response, was even softer.

He's so grateful for the fact that you're really coming to get him, even as he wishes, in a small fashion, that he didn't exist. Existing, after all, meant putting you through this.]

[larue]

[ Now, he's killing that call and tucking the phone away even as he's quickly heading in your direction. His hood is up, but he can feel the way the rain is coming down on his shoulders, notes the absence of it as he ducks beneath the gates to step out onto the street.

A moment of panic cuts through him when he sees that you're not there, and he turns around, hand already reaching for his phone when he spots you curled into yourself.

Crouching now, hands coming to settle on your knees as he peers at you with concern. ] Hey.

[ You're drenched. You shouldn't be out here like this. ]

Let's go inside.

[icarusalsoflew]

[He doesn't move, at least not immediately. When he finally looks up at your face, you then get the chance to see, in full, just how much the results of this latest engagement, together with all of the past few weeks, have utterly destroyed him.

Your name is on the tip of his tongue, but it comes out as a sob instead. That sob is quickly followed by another, and - right after he starts to break down completely - he's unfolding, reaching out to cling to you like a child. He's quivering from the pain he's in, and from the cold.

There is, of course, a tiny part of him that wishes he could actually curl up and die. The rest of him, though, is shattering. Maybe you're going to be the only thing that can hold him together.]

[larue]

[ And perhaps, for the first time since things went to shit in the aftermath of this latest assignment, Josh is aware of what he can give you, even as it hurts him to know that you'd had to break down like this.

He's holding you now, arms tight around your shoulders in a way that is similar to the time you'd broken down in that hospital room, Tohru still and pale on that bed. ]

Come on, [ he's murmuring as he helps you to your feet, not once letting go. He lets you lean on him, steadying you as he steadies himself, because the sounds you're making are so broken he's afraid you're going to fall apart and he'll have no clue how to put you back together.

Pressing a kiss to your brow now, Hikaru, before he tucks your head under his chin, one solid hand at your nape. ] Let's get you inside.

[icarusalsoflew]

[He doesn't trust himself to speak, not while any attempt is sure to make the crying start up again. He's just mattered to stutter to something that might pass as a stop.

Because of that, he's swallowing, breathing out then breathing in, and nodding.

(It's so good to have you here, it hurts, hurts nearly as much as all of the things that are taking him apart right now).]

[larue]

[ He lets you go briefly at that nod, shrugs off his coat and pulls you close to his side as he draws the garment over both of your heads to serve as a shield against the rain. And then he's leading you through those gates, over to the Wolf's Ward and down the corridor that leads to your room.

All that time, he's also taken note of the way your own coat is soaked through, and if you look his way, you'll be able to note the crease between his brows, the way he occasionally presses his lips together -- familiar tells that he's worrying about someone, which right this instant, just happens to be you. ]

[icarusalsoflew]

[This one, though, hardly has enough willpower left to propel himself along; he can barely lift his head. Nevertheless, he keeps himself as close to your body as possible without getting in your way.

By the time you're both standing in front of the sliding doors to his room, he isn't shaking nearly as much as he was earlier. He also doesn't sound like he's on the brink of crying either.]

[larue]

[ Josh is sliding one of those doors open with one hand now, and then turns back to cant his head in a gesture that is prompting you to go on in. ]

You should get out of those wet clothes.

[icarusalsoflew]

[Letting out an acquiescent noise before he's trying to move away from you just enough to start walking on his own into his room. Since he succeeds, you can now fully study the way just how unsteady he is on his own two feet.

He's quiet as he's peeling off his coat; his shirt follows a moment later, leaving him in nothing but a tank top and his pants. The rainwater went that deep down.]

Maybe I should take a bath.

['Bath', not shower. The warmth of a tub might just help.

By the way, Josh. His voice? Too raw. Too soft.]

[larue]

[ And he's watching all that, noting how unsteady you are and trying not to think about how the sight of you sends a sharp stab through him. Josh remains quiet then, as you take off your coat, the shirt you wear underneath, before he crosses over to you, a hesitant hand falling to your bare shoulder to offer a gentle squeeze.

He doesn't trust himself to speak. Not after the way he's heard the way you sound right this very instant. ]

[icarusalsoflew]

[He looks up at you at that, and knows, of course, that he ought to smile or maybe do or say something that can show you how grateful he is that you're with him. He can't bring himself to.

Swallowing the lump in his throat now, and breaking away to move off.]

I'll be done in a bit.

[Which actually ends up becoming a little over thirty minutes. The tears come again, sometime after he's curled up against one side of that tub. It takes a whole lot of effort, keeping that quiet. The walls are thin.]

[larue]

[ He waits, of course. Sits down on the edge of that bed, and just listens to the way the rain falls outside. He fussed a little over your coat and shirt, set them on the back of a chair to dry.

By the time you come out, he's contemplating a cigarette. It's not yet lit though. ]

[icarusalsoflew]

[And this is how he comes out: a quiet push of one hand against the side of the sliding door, gaze on the floor, towel around his neck, hair barely dried, feet softly padding their way towards the bed. When he reaches his destination, he's silently sinking down, turning on his side, and curling up.

His gaze meets yours just once before they're sliding away, to some point on the wall behind you. He is completely spent, utterly exhausted, and well past the point of simply being lost and not knowing what to do.]

[larue]

[ There's a part of him that wants to curl up behind you and gather you close, to press his nose into the back of your shoulder and to hold you until the hurt from the last couple of days goes away.

He can't. He wants to, but he can't. So instead, he's going to sit here and stay quiet.

For now. ]

[icarusalsoflew]

[The rain isn't enough for somebody like him to not notice the other quiet sounds beyond his room, throughout the rest of the base. Movements, mostly from the Bodhisattvas --

-- and even touching upon that is enough to make his lips press tight, and his shoulders shake. He curls up a little more, shuts his eyes for longer than a blink, and reaches up to hug himself.

It's cold tonight. It really shouldn't be.

Time to focus on something else now.]

Sorry for leaving.

[larue]

[ And you might not be looking his way, but it's unlikely that you'll miss the intake of breath that he takes at that apology, the sound of him slipping that cigarette back into it's pack before his weight allows the mattress to sink.

Behind you now, with a huffed sigh, his arms around you and his face pressed into your neck. ]

Don't. Please.

[ There's a hitch on that first syllable, and a breath shortly after that second one.

And then he's pulling back, giving you space, because he needs to calibrate.

His voice is soft when he speaks again: ] You don't have anything to apologize for.

[icarusalsoflew]

[Moments like this make him feel so terribly small, and it's almost pathetic how somehow, you staying close but doing nothing else but be close hurts a little.]

Don't I, though?

[He keeps fucking up, keeps making decisions that make him lose out in the end. He's done plenty of that recently, and it hasn't done you any good.]

[larue]

You don't.

[ That's murmured softly even as he reaches for his pack.

Still not lighting up, even as he twirls a single cigarette between his fingers. ]

I should be the one saying sorry.

[icarusalsoflew]

[That makes him turn towards you, with a tiny frown.]

What for?

[Because, honest to Elaine, he doesn't have a clue. Trust in the Blade King to never fault his lovers for anything, even when he ought to.]

[larue]

[ The smile that touches his lips is a tight one, and sad. And when Josh speaks again, his voice is all the more hushed: ]

For making you worry because I've been feeling nothing but useless to you.

For trying to pick a fight, because you were keeping things in again and that's never good where you're concerned.

[ Looking over now, ] For not having the sense to stop Tohru before he'd gone off.

[ As far as he knows, they were the last to see him. He'd wanted to run back, but Yulia had been right -- the rest of them would have been left behind. ]

[icarusalsoflew]

[The mention of his father's name is enough to make him go still, and enough to keep him from responding for a little too long.]

He did what he had to do.

[And he swears on all the realms in existence that he wishes that it could have been otherwise, but he knows, only too well, that you can't always get what you want.]

You did what you had to do as well.

[With that statement, though, he's not just referring to the engagement. He's referring to them.]

[larue]

[ It's little comfort, but he'll take it. He couldn't have left them then, wouldn't change his decision now, even if he wishes there had been something else that the lot of them could have done.

He's bowing his head now, lifting that cigarette to his lips. ] He'll make it.

[ He lights up. ]

You have to trust that he will.